You Have Failed ONLY IF You Have Quit Trying

Hello again everybody!  I am hoping I am finally back.  I ran across the above quote this morning and am clinging to it's words.  I have to believe that one day I will succeed, otherwise there is no need to keep trying.  For that matter, there would be no need to continue living. 

So far this year I have had a colonoscopy, complete thyroid removed, several CT scans, numerous visits to the emergency room, a hospital admission to ICU for 2 days and have a test scheduled for this Wednesday.  It is also time to schedule my six month mammogram.  The plus side of this is I am finally feeling better than I have in a long time but it is still taking a long time to get my stamina back up.  I am still struggling with my weight and have set myself a goal.  If I am not down to 225 by vacation time, I will visit my doctor to see if I might qualify for lap band surgery.  I would prefer to manage this without surgical intervention so that is a big motivating factor for me right now.  On top of this, I have several other ongoing issues that is taking a great deal of my time and energy.

Today's post will not be a long one but I would like to end it on a more positive note. Here are a few things I am thankful right now:

I am now completely off one of the blood pressure medications I have taken for years.  My blood pressure is good. 

Our vacation cabin in the Smoky Mountains is booked and we will be going in August.  I am so excited I can't wait.  I am hoping to get quite a bit done on the book I am writing while we are down there.

Finally, my daughter is engaged and we are having a wonderful time together planning and working on things for her wedding.  I am loving this time spent with her.  We are definitely making memories.

I think I will end here for today.  I have much I need to work on today.  My washing machine is leaking so I must make a trip to the laundry mat today.  Not my favorite place to go but I will try to look at the plus side.  It will all be done at once. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and a great week.  I will be talking to you again soon.


Until next time...........

 

Copyright by Betty Williams 2013

Getting back up...... again

I do not have a bunch to say today.  I just wanted to let you know I am still here.  It has taken me longer than I thought after my surgery to be ready to write again.  I am still struggling to get back on track.  As a matter of fact, just sitting here writing this tiny bit I have tears rolling down my face.  I am starting to feel much better than I have in years but I am still fighting many battles.  Some of them are just with myself but they are still very difficult.  I promise I will get you up to date very soon.  Thank you for sticking with me and not giving up.

Copyright April 2013 by Betty Williams

Monday.... AGAIN

Here we are starting another week.  The days just roll on by without my getting much of anything done.  Either I am going to have to speed up or things are going to have to slow down.

My weight was down just a tiny bit today.  I was 267.4 pounds today.  I have taken all my medication as I am supposed to.  I had to have some blood drawn this morning and thankfully that was done with only one stick today instead of the usual 3 or 4.

From left to right - Mary Jane, Susan, Me, Teresa and Nancy

Monday night is my line dancing night and I had a blast with my ladies.  Dancing is such a stress reliever as well as good exercise.

That is the extent of my day.  Hopefully I will have a little more to tell you tomorrow.  How did YOUR day go?

                 Until next time . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Giving Up vs Fighting On

I know it has been quite a few days since you last heard from me and I apologize for that.  I have been struggling greatly in pretty much every area of my life.  At times I have been feeling like I am not sure it is even worth the fight.  Even as I write this, the battles rages on.  There is also a great deal of guilt creeping in as well.  I mean honestly, there are people far worse off than I am.  What I am dealing with is so small compared to the battles of others.  And yet I still find myself tired.  Tired of the endless doctor appointments, the testing, procedures, blood draws, surgeries and just being tired.  I am tired of the stress of waiting for results every knowing that if all goes well, in 3 months I will be waiting for results again.  If it doesn't go well, it just leads us down a whole other path.

My one constant in dealing with this stress has become just another battle to face.  FOOD!!!!!!  I love food.  I love to cook food.  I love to eat food.  Food is my comfort.

Last year following a liver biopsy I was diagnosed with NASH.  At that time, I gave up alcohol to not put as much stress on my liver.  Did I love my margaritas? You bet!  Do I miss it?  Of course..... Do I feel I must have it?  NO.  And with that I walk away.  You can't just walk away from food.

Step 2 of dealing with NASH.....  I MUST LOSE WEIGHT!!!!  This can hopefully stop any further damage and possibly give it a chance to heal some. That takes us to the food, my comfort measure.  I am slowly killing myself with food, something that everyone must have.  One would think knowing how urgent it is to lose this weight, it would make it easier.  But it doesn't.  You can't just stop eating food.  Your body requires it.  This is where is gets difficult.  This is where there must be self discipline, willpower, and the ability to restrain one's intake.  When you pretty much love all food, the problem is compounded.  You can't just avoid your trigger foods because in all honesty for me, anything can be a trigger food.  So here I am, no better off then I was a month ago.  I am starting over once again.

My routines are almost nonexistent.  I still struggle to get my medications taken at the same time every day (assuming I get them taken at all).  My house is certainly in no better shape than it was.

There is is...... My Confession.  I will not say I have failed because I have not given up.  I will say that right now my determination is wavering but not gone.  I am struggling with depression but I have not given in to that completely either.  I must once again start at the beginning but in the matter of giving up versus fighting on, I live to fight another day.  One day at a time is the best I can do right now.  At times, minute by minute is all I can handle.

I still plan on sharing this journey with you and we will take many side trips I am sure.  Posts may not be daily for a while as I do have several doctor appointments the next week or so and I will be having my thyroid removed on the 26th.  During this time I will be slowly working on my routines and trying to stay positive and focused.

This morning, my weight was back up to 267.8 pounds.  My fasting blood sugar was 143 (NOT GOOD), blood pressure 153/84 (needs to go back down) and pulse 74.  I have done fairly good with my eating today and all medications have been taken except the ones I take before bed.  So there it is, my confession and my plan to continue on.

               Until next time . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Two Sides of Words Spoken

***** THE FOLLOWING IS PURELY FICTION.  IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION, PLEASE SEEK TREATMENT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE BY SPEAKING WITH YOUR DOCTOR OR CALLING ONE OF THE NUMBERS LISTED BELOW. *****

 

 

Two Sides of Words Spoken

 He stands beside the casket, speaking to each of the people filing past.  He is somewhat surprised at the number of people who have taken time out of their busy lives to stop by and pay their last respects.  He recognized most of the family, but many others he has no idea who they are.  How did all these people know his wife when he didn’t know them?  Is it possible there was a side to her he never took the time to understand?  Not likely.  He listened to story after story of how his wife had touched their lives.  Were they really talking about the same person.  She had apparently shown kindness, love and caring to each of these people in one form or another.  Many she had provided meals for, others she delivered much needed groceries, some she watched their children when they needed someone, a few had been given rides when either their cars had given up or were out of fuel.  Many she had just provided compassion, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  They said she was going to be greatly missed.  He just didn’t understand what she had been thinking.  Why did she do this?  How stupid could someone be?  He was always trying to help her improve herself and learn to do things more efficiently but she just wouldn’t listen to him.  He told her over and over what she needed to do to be better. 

She sat in her car staring out the windshield without really seeing the bridge in front of her.  Tears were streaming down her face as his words ran on a continuous loop through her mind.  She closed her eyes and covered her ears with her hands but neither the tears nor the words would stop.  “You never fail to disappoint”, “You never miss an opportunity to fail”, “Now I know why they have idiot lights”, “A little common sense can go a long way”, “I will treat you better when you deserve to be treated better” and on and on and on.  She couldn’t take it any longer.  She doubted anyone would miss her anyway.  With that final thought, she hit the accelerator without even opening her eyes or taking her hands off her ears.  Peace was finally within her grasp.

 

Copyright by Betty Williams 2013

 

*******************************************************************************

 

Many people feel sad or depressed at some time in their life.  But if this sadness or depression continues you need to seek help.  Clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition,  you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

      Fatigue or loss of energy almost daily

                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost daily

Impaired concentration or being indecisive

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost daily

Diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be best determined by significant others)

Restlessness or feeling slowed down

Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

Significant change of more than 5% of body weight in a month – either gain or loss

 

Take any mention of suicide seriously. If someone is threatening to commit suicide, get help right away. Health professionals should try to find out whether the person:

Has the means (weapons or medicines) available to commit suicide or do harm to another person

Has set a time and place to commit suicide

Thinks that there is no alternative way to stop the pain



If a suicide threat seems real, with a specific plan and the means at hand:

Call 911, a suicide hotline, or the police immediately

Stay with the person, or ask someone you trust to stay with the person, until the crisis is over

Encourage the person to seek professional help

Don't argue with ("It's not as bad as you think") or challenge the person ("You're not the type to commit suicide")

Tell the person that you don't want him or her to die. Talk about the situation as openly as possible



You can take steps to prevent a suicide attempt.

Be willing to listen, and help the person find help. Don't be afraid to talk to them or ask "What is the matter?" or bring up the subject of suicide. There is no evidence that talking about suicide leads to suicidal thinking or suicide.

Remove all firearms from the home, or lock firearms and bullets up in different places.

Get rid of any prescription and nonprescription medicines that are not being used.

 

Warning Signs Of Suicide

It is difficult to know if a person is thinking about committing suicide. These are people who:

Have tried to commit suicide before, or have had a family member who has tried to commit or who committed suicide.

Have had or have mental health problems such as severe anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or depression

Have been through family violence, including physical or sexual abuse.

Drink a lot of alcohol or use drugs

Are older. Older Americans have the highest suicide rate of any age group. The rate is highest among white men ages 65 and older. Within this group, divorced and widowed men have the highest rate.

Are veterans or are members of the armed services.

 

 

Events that may put people at greater risk for suicide include:

Life changes such as the death of a partner or good friend, retirement, divorce, or problems with money.

The diagnosis of a serious physical illness, such as cancer or heart disease, or a new physical disability.

Severe and long-lasting pain.

Loss of independence or not being able to get around without help.

Living alone or not having friends or social contacts

Adults who are at risk may show these warning signs of suicide.

They may:

Plan to or say they want to hurt or kill themselves or someone else.

Talk, write, read, or draw about death, including writing suicide notes and talking about items that can cause physical harm, such as pills, guns, or knives.

Say they have no hope, they feel trapped, or there is no point in "going on."

Buy guns or bullets, stockpile medicines, or take other action to prepare for a suicide attempt. They may have a new interest in guns or other weapons.

Drink more alcohol or use drugs, including prescription medicines.

No longer want to see people and want to be alone a lot.

No longer take care of themselves or follow medical advice.

Give away their things and/or hurry to complete a will.

 

The warning signs in children, teens and young adults may be different. They include running away from home or doing risky or dangerous things, such as drunk driving.

1-800-784-2433 OR 1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-273-8255 OR 1-800-273-TALK

Fabulous Friday

I don't have a lot to say tonight so I will make this short and sweet.  I was up 0.2 pounds today.  I know there will be ups and downs so I am not letting this shake me.  I did get quite a bit done in my kitchen today.  There is still a long way to go but I will work on it over the weekend too. 

I had a wonderful time out with my two best friends tonight just laughing, joking and sharing.  It was an awesome way to end the week and move into the weekend.  Thanks Teresa and Nancy for a crazy wonderful night.

I tried a new recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies that is phenomenal!!!  Cookies, you say????  Aren't you on a diet????  NO... no diet.  I am making a lifestyle change and to be able to stick with that, I need to learn to eat regular foods including treats.  My challenge is to do so in moderation.  That has been my downfall in the past.  I can stop  at one or maybe two cookies.  I don't have to eat them all.  It isn't like I can never make them again.  So having said that, here is my new recipe.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

1 cup butter (and I use real butter) - softened but not melted
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla (the better quality of vanilla you can buy, the better - it DOES make a difference)
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon (thought it would have a stronger cinnamon flavor but this is mild)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  (I finally broke down and bought a thermometer for inside my oven as all the numbers are wore off my oven knob.  No more guessing for me.)

In large bowl, cream butter and sugars with electric mixer until light and fluffy.  Add eggs and vanilla; mix well.  Add flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon and salt; mix well.  Stir in chocolate chips.  Drop by teaspoonfuls (I use a medium size scoop) onto cookie sheet.  Bake 9 - 10 minutes or until edges are golden brown.  Cool on pan on wire rack for 5 minutes; remove from cookie sheet and cool completely.

This should make 4 dozen cookies...... notice I said SHOULD.  I only got 3 dozen cookies but my daughter ate some of the dough and I think I made my cookies bigger than a teaspoon.

For once I followed the recipe completely right down to the cooling the pan on a wire rack and I was not disappointed.  These are YUMMY!!!!   Enjoy......


              Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Thursday Update

This week is flying by.  I am still working on my routines.  They are slowly coming along.  I know I am trying to make changes in several areas of my life all at the same time and that will make it more difficult but I just need to keep pushing forward.  I also need to not be too hard on myself if I slip.  A friend posted these 10 Steps to Self-Care on Facebook today.  I will be using these as guidelines to keep reaching for my dreams.

My first goal is my weight.  Wednesday I weighed 266.4 pounds and today it was 264.8 pounds.  I am 4.8 pounds away from meeting my first goal.  This is very exciting.

I have only been walking 10 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0 mph daily.  I am having a few problems with cramping in my legs but I am determined to get in some exercise daily.

Menu planning and cooking is going well.  Last night was margarita night so I didn't have to cook then.  Tonight I prepared another recipe from one of my favorite cookbooks from The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond.  Supper tonight was pot roast with potatoes and carrots.  It was yummy.

I have taken all my medications this week and can really tell a difference.  This is one routine I must not slip up on again.

As far as the house goals, those haven't been going quite as well but I keep trying.  My goal again for tomorrow is to spend 15 minutes in my room and the living room and 30 minutes in the kitchen.  When these goals are easily being met, I will add to them.

How are things going for you?  Have you set any new goals?  Let me know how it is going.  Share your dreams and start taking the steps needed to reach those.

             Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Traveling Forward Once Again

Today has been a good day.  My weight this morning was 267.8 pounds.  I have gained a bit but it could have been much worse.  Also, I didn't have my medication yesterday so some of that may have  been fluid.  We will see when I weigh tomorrow morning.  I did get my morning routine done although it took most of the day as I completed things between my two appointments and some major grocery shopping.

I have set my goal weight of 235 pounds by the time I go to my liver specialist the end of March.  It is obtainable but I will need to stay focused.  My first mini goal is to reach 260 pounds.  Once I reach that I will treat myself to a new CD to listen to while working or exercising. 

I walked 10 minutes on the treadmill tonight at 3.0 mph.  My exercise goal for tomorrow is to do this same thing TWICE.

I planned menus before shopping today.  I did have a burger and fries for lunch in the midst of the shopping but still stayed under my calorie budget for the day.  Supper consisted of a pork steak baked in the oven with some BBQ sauce, mashed potatoes and a mixture of onions, mushrooms, zucchini and yellow squash cooked in a splash of olive oil.  YUM.  They were wonderful.

I have taken all my meds today except the ones I take at bedtime and I will be taking those very soon.

My goal for my house tomorrow is to spend 15 minutes in my bedroom, 15 minutes in the living room and 30 minutes in my kitchen.

Overall, I am very happy with what was done today and the goals that have been set.

                       Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Time To Commit

As I sit here watching The Biggest Loser after spending seven hours in the emergency room today I am forced to admit to myself that I had not completely committed myself to losing weight and getting myself healthy.  I am ashamed of myself and know this can't continue.

For the past week, I have not been diligent in doing anything that I want.  I have not accomplished a single morning routine.  I haven't weighed.  I haven't been good about taking my medication.  I must really become focused with this.  I have done just enough in the house that I have managed to make it worse than it was to begin with.

Tomorrow I set some MUST DO goals.  First, I will get up and weigh and complete my morning routine.  I am also going to clean out my fridge and get to the grocery store and restock with healthy foods and start cooking them.  I will plans menus for the remainder of the week.  I will lay out some VERY SPECIFIC goals after I weigh tomorrow.  I have my one year follow up with my liver specialist the end of March and I need to lose 30 pounds by then.  This is a matter of life and death for me.  My sister officially went on the liver transplant list this past week and I hope I can stop this disease before I reach that point.  I will walk at least five minutes on the treadmill tomorrow.  I don't want to overdo it while recovering from an intestinal virus but I am no longer going to let things stop me.  If five minutes is all I can manage, I will celebrate that until I am able to do more.

I also have an appointment for a pedicure tomorrow.  So that will be my pampering for myself tomorrow.  I also have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I am thinking I really need that.

                     So until tomorrow . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Just In The 'Nik' of Time

Hello everyone!!!!  I know it has been a few days since I posted and tomorrow I will get you all up to date.  I wanted to make sure and get a short story out there for you today though.  This one is a little different from the others.  It is just a short fiction story.  Hope you enjoy.  Let me know what you think.

IN THE NIK OF TIME

 

Sara sat staring at the paperwork her best friend Niki had given her to fill out.  She couldn’t believe she had agreed to do this.  She had pretty much given up on finding that one true love that everyone said was out there.  They didn’t know what they were talking about.  Oh well, she had promised Niki she would give this a chance and also help Niki out too. 

Niki had started this new business venture a little over a year ago and it was really going great but Niki said she needed more women to sign up.  So here she was filling out the booklet of her likes, dislikes and what all she was looking for in a relationship so that she could become the latest client of Just In the Nik Of Time, Niki’s matchmaking service. 

Sara had tried online dating many times and always ended up disappointed.  On several occasions, Niki had tried to persuade Sara to let her find her match but Sara always refused.  Niki assured her that her service was different than the online sites and finally wore Sara resistance down.  Her expectations were low but Sara figured at this point she had nothing to lose.  She sure wasn’t meeting anyone on her own now.  Sara finished the paperwork and laid it aside to go get ready.  She was meeting Niki for dinner and drinks to go over everything and find out what her next step was.

Sara strolled up to the bar to get herself a drink while Niki was putting all her information into the laptop she had brought with her.

“I’ll have a double tequila on ice please” she told the bartender.

“You know what they say about tequila, don’t you?”  She looked in the direction the voice had come from and found herself staring into the most stunning blue eyes she had ever seen.  Sara smiled and stammering slightly said “Your originality needs a little work”.  The man smiled back and said “Jeff.  My name is Jeff” as he reached out to shake hands.  As Sara reached out to take Jeff’s hand she had the strangest feeling of peace.  The bartender handed Sara her drink.  She was still trying to understand the feeling that came over her.  “Nice to meet you, Jeff.  Enjoy your evening” and she turned to walk away.  “Don’t I get to learn your name?” Jeff asked as she was turning away.  She looked back over her shoulder and said “Sara”.  “Pretty name, Sara.  Would you join me for a drink?” he asked. 

Sara rolled her eyes before turning back around to face Jeff.  He really was very sexy.  “I’m sorry Jeff.  I don’t mean to be rude but I have never had much luck with men I meet in a bar, so I don’t do that anymore.”

“I understand, Sara.  This is not where I usually go to meet people either but I was supposed to meet someone here before heading home and they didn’t show up.”  Sara felt a stab of compassion for Jeff and sat on the barstool next to him.  He did seem very nice and was about the sexiest man she had seen in quite some time.  They talked for a few minutes about places they like to go before Sara said she needed to get back to her friend.  They both said goodbye.

Niki just finished putting Sara’s information into the computer as Sara slid back into the booth. Niki then pulled out the list explaining how this all worked.  She told Sara that she had wanted her service to be different.  She was helping her clients find relationships, not hookups.  She handed the list to Sara who had trouble concentrating on what Niki was saying.  Her mind kept drifting back to the man sitting at the bar.  He was still sitting there laughing and talking to the bartender.

Suddenly Sara knew what she wanted and this matchmaking was not it.  She looked at Niki.  “I’m sorry Niki but I need to go”.  Niki just smiled at Sara and said “No problem, Sara.  I will talk to you later.”

Sara walked back up to the bar and sat down next to Jeff.  “I would like to have that drink together now if you are still offering.”  Jeff smiled.  “Of course.  Let’s move to a booth where we can get to know each other.”  He took her arm and led her past the booth where Niki was packing up her computer.  As Niki looked up at them, Jeff smiled at her.  “Thanks Niki”.  Niki smiled and winked at them both and said “Just in the Nik of time.”

 

 

 

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

 

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday is about over and I am very content with what I accomplished today.  Did I get everything on my list done?  Not even close.  But today I got back on track.

My weight today was 264.2 pounds, blood sugar 107, blood pressure 133/82 and pulse 64.  I finally found the treadmill today and walked one mile.  I know I am just getting started with this new lifestyle but the opportunity to let my body rest has already had a positive.  The plantar fasciitis that I have suffered with for over a year is now gone making exercise much easier.

As far as the emotional aspect of finally getting the rest I have needed, it is wonderful.  I am becoming more relaxed.  The desire to write is becoming even stronger.  I know the first two short stories I posted could be considered somewhat dark but I am glad to say I am no longer in that place.  Just because I am no longer in that place does not take away the memories of that time though.  I just want everyone to see, there is a way out of the darkness if you just keep looking.

              Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Monday Mania

Well another Monday has rolled around.  It really didn't go anything like I had planned.  I pretty much just went with the flow today.  My routines have flown out the window.  My eating plan is erratic and things need to get back to where I was headed.  So tomorrow I will NOT be sleeping until 11 am.  I will be getting up and getting my routines in and a few things done around the house.

On the plus side I had a nice visit with my Mom, my niece Susan, my Aunt Linda and my cousin Lisa today.  I really enjoyed that.  I also spent some time visiting with my sister and her husband.  After that, I managed to get a short story completed and ready for next Sundays posting.  Tomorrow I hope to get to a little more substance in the postings and have some progress with the routines and goals.

    Until next time . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

The Butterfly

The Butterfly

 

Insignificant?  So it would seem.  But is it really?  It begins so basic and small.  How can something that appears to be nothing actually be the beginning of everything?  The foundation has been laid.  Whatever this eventually becomes will grow from this.  None grow at the exact same rate as another.  All are just a little different but have the same purpose.  It strives to become the best it can be.  This stage of life is so simple.  It is such a safe place to be.  Not much is expected of it.  As a matter of fact, most look right past it without even seeing it.  If only it could stay at this stage but it can not.  Change is near, whether it is ready or not.

 It starts absorbing its surroundings.  It feeds itself but it is also fed by those around it.  It takes it all in, the good and the bad.  It learns, it adjusts and it adapts.  It becomes what it is fed, shedding layers as it goes so it can continue to grow.  It needs love, caring and encouragement to mature.  If it does not receive the needed nourishment the growth will stop.  If it is constantly fed negative and hateful garbage, its full potential can not be met.  Sometimes it doesn’t even recognize what it has become.  Sometimes the change is so gradual it isn’t even noticed until it begins to harden.

 

It grows a hard protective shell.  Not only does this shell provide a barrier between it and the things that hurt it.  It stops it from sharing what it is with others.  It provides a camouflage to hide from others where they can’t see what it truly is.  It keeps it from being what it is meant to be.  But the shell also serves a very special purpose.  It is protection.  It keeps it safe during the transformation.  It provides a buffer from the angry, thoughtless actions of others.  It allows it time to become that beautiful creature it was intended to become.  Some might think this is the end of the journey.  But nothing could be further from the truth. 

The creature emerges from its protective shell.  But it is weak and frightened.  The changes have been made, now it just needs to grow stronger and more confident in its abilities.  It must practice over and over.  Each day it grows a little bit stronger.  Then one day it knows the time has come.  It is time for it to live the life it has fought for.  It is time to fully stretch its wings and take flight.  It is time for it to fulfill its dreams.

I am the butterfly.

 

 

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

 

Short Post

Hello everyone.  I don't have much to tell you today.  I haven't accomplished much as I have been having quite a bit of pain with having my wisdom tooth out.  I also developed a cold, which is now gone but the pain is increasing with the tooth.  I am really trying to avoid dry socket.  So, having said all that.... I will post my short story for this Sunday and talk to you more tomorrow.

            Until tomorrow . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Positively Positive

My best friend, Teresa sent me this last week and I love the message it sends

As I was laying in bed last night feeling every beat of my heart where my wisdom tooth once was, I struggled with the guilt of yet another failure.  I love to cook but I completely overdid it last weekend.  The food tasted amazing.  The recipes were wonderful!  But it was too much for so early in my lifestyle change.  I should have chosen one heavier dish and surrounded it with lighter healthier options.  It contributed to my sliding back to the overeating that I have done in the past.  I will not however let this stop me.  It is only failure if I give up and do not learn from it.

I have learned from it and will always use tomorrow as that fresh opportunity to make things better.  No matter how good the day, there will always be a way to make it better.  For me this also goes hand in hand with one of my previous posts . . . .  No matter how bad the day is, you can always find something good in it if your search hard enough.

My weight this morning was back up to 269.2 pounds, which I am guessing is a great deal fluid as I did not get my medications taken yesterday.  Tomorrow should be better as I have managed to get those taken today.  So my positive for today is . . . . at least I am not ALL the way back to where I started.

Today I had a grilled cheese with tomato soup and crackers for lunch.  I will be having Mexican tonight at the Ranch.  There will be NO exercise for me today as very much movement makes my mouth pound.  Tomorrow is once again that fresh opportunity to make it better.  Will you take advantage of this?  I know I will!

           Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

A Little Less Wisdom

Today went nothing like I was expecting.  I did learn a very important lesson though.  DO NOT delete your reminders no matter how annoying they are until you have time to reset the important ones.  OOOPS!!!!!  So sorry Mom! 

My phone rang at 7:40 am, which was 10 minutes past the time I was supposed to be picking up my mother for her physical therapy.  I felt so bad and assured her I would be right there but she told me the roads were ok and she would be fine driving herself.  I felt like such a horrible daughter.  How could I do that?  I didn't have much of a choice and Mom did fine.  It worked out best actually because it took longer than I thought at my dentist appointment.  I had one wisdom tooth extracted today.  Hope it doesn't affect me too much.  Apparently I really need all the wisdom I can get.  I have been pretty good most of the day but it is starting to throb a bit tonight.

I didn't get my meds in today as I haven't really kept to a schedule and have just snacked my way through the day.  So for me, tomorrow is a new day with a new start.  I will weigh and hopefully get right back on track tomorrow.  I will let you know how that goes.

             Until tomorrow . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Monday.... AGAIN?????

Well it has been Monday all day for sure.  I discovered that when you use a calendar program that sends you reminders, you should really really REALLY think hard when you set up the reminders.  For about an hour this morning (while trying to sleep) my cell phone and my tablet kept going off about every 15 minutes for reminders for not only today... oh no..... I had reminders set for 1 day and 1 week so I was getting beeps for tomorrow and next week too.  I need to do some serious revamping of my reminders.

Finally I gave up and got out of bed.  I then picked my mom up and took her for a doctors appointment.  After that Mom and I went to Ryans for lunch before I took her back home.  After I left Mom's house, I stopped by my sister's house to see her before she took off this evening to head to the city for two intensive days of testing to hopefully be put on the liver transplant list.  Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

When I finally got back home I was really not in the mood to do anything but I did make myself load the dishwasher and did 5 minutes in one of my nightmare rooms upstairs.  It wasn't much but it was something.  Since it is Monday, it was line dancing night.  I wasn't as excited tonight but it felt good once I started dancing.

I guess I will share the damage that my weekend of cooking did.  My weight this morning was 267.2.  This is up several pounds but I will get it back off.  My blood sugar was 84, blood pressure 154/93 and pulse was 70.

Tomorrow will be another busy day.  I take Mom to physical therapy at 8 am tomorrow.  Have I mentioned how much I HATE mornings?  I REALLY hate mornings!  After Mom's appointment, I will be going to the dentist and having a wisdom tooth out.  After that, I will take Mom for another appointment.  Then I will drive her home and head back to town for my last appointment of the day at 2 pm.  WHEW!!!!!  I am tired just thinking about it.

I have not done the best with my eating today and haven't logged any food since Friday so I need to get back to that and to eating properly.  I have managed to take ALL my medications for the past two days.   WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!   That is an improvement. 

                    Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . .


Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

After The Storm

After The Storm

It is the middle of the night as I sit here.  The thoughts are rushing through my mind faster than I can process them.  Another one comes right as I start to ponder the previous one.  My body is exhausted.  Why can’t I quiet my mind?  Why do I feel so alone?  No, alone is not how I am feeling.  I enjoy the solitude of being alone.  This is loneliness.  There is a very distinct difference.  When I am alone I feel at peace not just with myself but with life.  Loneliness is a completely different feeling.  It is far from peaceful.  It is an emotional horror you can not escape.  It is a darkening of your soul.  You can be lonely in a room full of people.  Dare you reach out to them?  Do they even see you there?  Maybe you are as invisible as you feel.  Would anyone notice if you slipped away?  Would anyone care?  Will it make a difference when I am gone?  Will things continue on just as they are now or will I be missed?  Will someone else feel the emptiness I now feel inside? 

I notice tears streaming down my face, unaware of when they actually began.  I am unable to stop their flow so I allow them to gently wash over my soul, soothing and restoring like a spring rain.  This is what I needed, this cleansing of pain and hurt from my soul.  I feel the heaviness lift from my shoulders.  I am once again able to look upward and there it is, my very own rainbow with its promise of light and beauty following the darkness of the storm.

I smile as I close my eyes and sleep finally claims me.

 

 

 

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Sunday Supper

I hope you are all having wonderful and relaxing weekends.  I have spent much time in the kitchen this weekend trying new recipes and they were ALL wonderful.  If I could just figure out how to be a neat cook ( I tend to dirty everything in the kitchen) then it would be all good.

We snacked on leftovers from yesterday for lunch but for supper I fixed Penne Gorgonzola with Chicken, Roasted Brussels Sprouts & Cauliflower and last but definitely not least.... Whiskey Glazed Carrots from Ree Drummond's second cookbook.  These were hands down the absolutely BEST carrots I have ever had.  These will be on the menu quite often.

I do think I pushed it a little too far this weekend though as I am completely wiped out and having major cramps in my legs.  I have been a bit sporadic with getting in my before bed routine, morning routine and I am ashamed to say also my medications.  So that is what I am going to concentrate on this week along with continuing to declutter.  I also still need to get my shiny sink in my kitchen but that will be much easier now that I have the dirty dishes out of them.

That is pretty much it for today EXCEPT I promised another short story, which I will post separately.

               Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

SPLURGE!!!

Everybody needs a day to just cut loose and enjoy.  Today was that day for me at least as far as food goes.  We had a very basic lunch of cheeseburgers, macaroni and cheese and baked beans but I spent most of the afternoon and evening in the kitchen trying new recipes from one of my favorite cooks, Ree Drummond.  I will probably not get back on the scale again until Monday and will post the damage, if any, then.

Yesterday I spent most of the day cleaning around the house and was quite happy with all I managed to get done.  I washed a bunch of dishes, which made it much easier cooking today.  I stripped the bed and put on clean sheets.  In the process of doing this, I piled the mattress pad and eggshell mattress cover in a pile and my Roxie decided it was a fine place to curl up and take a nap.  For supper I fixed a favorite of mine called Pastitsio.  I describe it as a Greek lasagna.  YUM!!

Roxie - all curled up and comfy

Today I tried three recipes from Ree Drummond's second cookbook 'The Pioneer Woman Cooks - Food From My Frontier'.  I prepared Knock You Naked Brownies, French Onion Soup and Rib-Eye Steak with Onion-Blue Cheese Sauce.  Oh my... they are ALL amazing.  I also served a baked potato with the soup and steak and I am stuffed.  Can't wait to try more of her recipes. 

Getting ready to mix up Knock You Naked Brownies alongside Ree Drummond's cookbook

That is about all I managed to accomplish today other that washing some dishes along the way.  So, I will close for tonight.  Be sure to check back tomorrow for the posting of another of my short stories.

                Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Just Another Day

Hello everyone!  Sorry I missed posting yesterday.  I was having internet issues but it was a pretty uneventful day.  Yesterday I weighed exactly the same as the day before.  I didn't get much done around the house as I spent some time with my sister yesterday.  THEN... it was margarita night.  I managed to stay within my calorie range yesterday.

I had some trouble sleeping last night.  I HAD LOTS OF TROUBLE SLEEPING LAST NIGHT....  I tossed and turned until about 3:00 am.  I had so many thoughts running through my head.  So I got up and was just going to make notes so I could write about them today but ended up writing the whole short story (which I will be posting on Sunday).   It was around 4:30 am before I fell asleep.

I was up and about a little after 9 am today.  I was up 0.2 lbs this morning but that isn't bad since I forgot to take my medication yesterday and that usually causes some water retention.   I didn't get much done around the house but I did get some menus planned and grocery shopping done and am ready to work around the house tomorrow.  I am excited to try some new recipes over the next few days.  I will let you know how those go.  I might even include more before/after pictures.  We will see how it goes.

                 Until tomorrow.............

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Another Step Forward

Today has been an awesome day for me.  I am very happy with what I have accomplished today.  I was a little worried when I slept until a little after 11 am.  But I still managed to get moving.  I was down 2.6 pounds this morning to 262.4.  That is a total loss so far of 10.6 pounds.  I decided to go ahead and work in my bedroom today.  First I did some straightening of parts I had already worked on. 

As you can see, you can give him a hamper but it doesn't mean he will use it.

I decided to tackle the HUGE mountain of clutter that has accumulated in my bedroom floor.  It had everything from shoes, purses, paid bills, magazines, books, and tons of other stuff.  It is very hard for me to share this before picture as I am very humiliated by what I had allowed to happen but the important thing is that I finally tackled it.  I still have some work to do on it including filing of the papers that were in it but it is MUCH improved.



Before

After



I was also able to stay in my calorie range today.  I had 1,522 calories today and am hoping I burned quite a few with my cleaning today.  I fixed a wonderful supper tonight of boneless pork chops, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and parmesan baked zucchini. 

Hopefully I won't sleep quite so late tomorrow but if I do, then apparently I needed it.  So for now I will sign out.....


               Until Tomorrow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams



Keep On Keeping On

This was a much better day than the weekend, even with an early morning trip to the dentist.  I don't think I had been to the dentist since before I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010.  It was long past due but amazingly not too bad.  I do need to get one of my wisdom teeth pulled and a bridge where I had a tooth pulled in 2009 but I already knew I needed that.  So really no surprises there.

I was up to 265 pounds today but that is still a loss of 8 pounds in one week. I am very happy with that.  I am under my calories by 400 tonight PLUS.... I EXERCISED TONIGHT!!!!!!  I spent 2 hours doing country line dancing, which I will be doing every Monday night again.  I get together with a group of friends (THANKS GIRLS!) every Monday night.  We had taken some time off over the holidays but we started back tonight and I had a blast and I feel better although my knees are a tiny bit angry with me right now.  But it isn't anything a dose of ibuprofen won't fix.

My routines pretty much flew out the window today but I will hopefully get back into the swing of those tomorrow.  I think I am ready to tackle the next problem area in my house too.  So there very well may be a before and after picture tomorrow too.  For now, I am going to watch The Biggest Loser that I recorded while I was gone tonight.

Until tomorrow......

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Too Late For Dreams

The chaos and confusion were everywhere.  No matter which direction I turned people were running and screaming.  It was strange that I could not hear them.  I started to pick my way through the wreckage.  Nothing seemed familiar to me.  Then I saw my children standing off to one side.  They were clinging desperately to one another.  I must get to them.  Obviously something devastating had happened.  As I got closer, I could see a body at their feet that had been draped in a cloth.  My poor babies.  Someone close to them had died.  As I hurried to them, I saw my best friend.  Surely she would tell me what was going on.  I guess she did not see me.  She walked up to my children and wrapped them in her arms.  They all clung to one another.  Then I saw my husband off to the side.  He appeared to be describing something to the policeman standing next to him.  I stumbled.  Why was my mind so fuzzy?  As I got closer, I could see a car…. our car, if you could call it that.  It was a mangled mess of twisted metal and broken glass.  Suddenly everything flashed before my eyes.  We had been arguing.  But that was nothing new.  That is all we ever did anymore.  He had only taken his eyes off the road for second.  But it was just long enough for him to not notice that the garbage truck in front of us had stopped.  I could hear the screeching of the tires, the shattering of glass and then nothing.  I walked to where the policeman was making his notes hoping he would not mind my looking over his shoulder.  He was making his notes...."Passenger air bag did not deploy.  Passenger DOA."  But wait!  I was the passenger.  Could they not see I was standing right here.  My friend started to lead my children away.  I had to stop them.  I turned to run after them but somebody grabbed my arm.  FINALLY!  Somebody knew I was there.  Everything was going to be ok.  I turned to see who had a hold of my arm.  "Daddy?"  This could not be.  My father had been gone for years.  He looked so young, not a trace of the cancer that had ravaged his body.  He reached for my hand and said "Come.  I am here to take you home."  I pulled away from his grasp.  "NO!" I shouted.  "There must be some mistake.  I have only begun to realize my dreams.  There is so much I want to do."  He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and gently placed his hand on my cheek as he said "I am sorry.  You waited too long."

Copyright 2012 by Betty Williams

SCORE: Stress 1 Willpower 0

It is funny how you can be strong all week and all it takes is one day and one person to bring it all crumbling down around your ears.  Why do I allow another person to have such control over me?

My day started quietly.  I was up 0.2 pounds (guessing from the pizza), blood sugar was 94, blood pressure 132/83 and pulse 60.  GO ME!!!!!  I had an appointment to get my nails done this morning.  I called home afterwards to see if anyone wanted McDonalds.  Britt was still sleeping so I took Alan's order.  I ordered myself a small fry and cheeseburger (well within my calorie budget).  I came home and had a salad with my meal.  When I walked in with food everything was fine.  Within 5 minutes all I hear is everything that is wrong with the house, everything I didn't get done and everything I did that is done wrong.  It is very frustrating.... the smart ass comments, criticism and accusations are more than I can take.  It is like an automatic trigger that sends me straight to the kitchen.  I did eat two pieces of pizza before I got myself under control.  I can do this.  I CAN keep control over myself.  I MUST!!!!

I still have to fix supper but I will try to eat mainly vegetables with a smaller portion of chicken.  I will weigh in the morning and start fresh.  Tomorrow is a brand new day.

As a bonus for today, I am going to post one of the short stories I have written.  I look forward to hearing every one's thoughts.

                                             Until tomorrow............................

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

A Quiet Day

Today has been a very quiet day for the most part.  I did part of my morning routine.  I need to do better with that tomorrow.  My weight today was exactly the same as yesterday, blood sugar 115, blood pressure 138/78 and pulse 63.  All in all, not too bad.

I did actually get some exercise in today as I went with my husband, Alan and best friend, Teresa to take a tour of the new hospital that is getting ready to open.  We walked around for a couple of hours.  Maybe tomorrow I can get on the treadmill for a bit.

I was lazy this morning.  I woke about 10 am but stayed in bed enjoying the peace and resting until about 11 am.  I had a bowl of cereal and an orange for breakfast.  After getting  back from the hospital tour I was starving so we ordered pizza.  I also fixed a salad to go with it.  I have had a snack of 1 cup of blackberries with a teaspoon of sugar.  YUM.....

I am feeling very tired so I don't see it being a very late night as I can barely keep my eyes open.  So.......

                  Until tomorrow.........................

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Four Days And Counting

FINALLY FRIDAY.....  (as sang by George Jones)

 

 

Has it been 4 days already?  They have flown by as I have had numerous appointments but it seems like I haven’t accomplished much yet.  I am trying to keep in mind this is a whole new lifestyle for me but at times today I became very frustrated and really had to fight the urge to go wipe out half of the refrigerator.  I am trying to keep an upbeat and positive attitude but have struggled with that some today.

 Four days is not enough time to establish new habits but I have been good sticking with my morning and before bed routines.  That is, until today.  I think the only part of my morning routine I managed to do was weigh.  I didn’t even get my medication taken until late this afternoon.  I was up 0.4 pounds today, which was not a surprise to me but I need to make sure I don’t head back the wrong way.   I did manage to stay fairly good with my eating today.  I went over my calorie budget by 20 calories although I did get in 5 servings of fruits and vegetables today (green beans, salad, tomato, blackberries and an orange) along with ONE chocolate truffle (I was craving something sweet).

 As far as the weekend goes, for now I am going to concentrate on continuing my morning and before bed routines on the weekends.  Anything else I feel like doing will just be extra.  I want to have my weekends free for family, friends and fun but also to rest so that Monday I can hit the ground running again.

Let me know what you do to recharge your batteries over the weekend so you are ready to start the next week.

 

Until tomorrow…..

 

 

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

One Foot In Front Of The Other

My day did not start as I had hoped. I woke up about 4:30 am with severe nausea. I didn't get much sleep after that and the nausea didn't resolve until about 7 pm. So, plans for the day changed. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to stay home and rest on days I am not feeling well.

This morning my weight was 262.8, down another 4.8 pounds. I knew I was retaining water but WOW!!!!! That is a loss of 10.2 pounds in two days. My blood sugar this morning was 116, blood pressure 148/86 and pulse 71. The blood pressure is getting better. I stayed within my calorie budget for the day eating 1,566 calories. I only had 3 servings of fruits and vegetables today and I need to double that amount. I won't be surprised if I am up a little in weight tomorrow as I had popcorn for a late night snack.

With battling the nausea, I postponed working in the kitchen today. I just wasn't up to it. I did however work on some decluttering in my bedroom so the bed was handy for me to rest when needed. It took me a while but I am happy with my progress today.

Before - Corner of my bedroom that has exploded with stuff

After - much better and easier to maintain

 

I am not sure right now what tomorrow will bring but I would really like to have my kitchen sink empty, shiny and usable without having to move dishes first. That may be my goal as well as getting the sheets changed.

Until tomorrow.....

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

What A Difference

What A Difference

            A Day (and your meds) Make

 

Day two…  Not too bad although I am fighting going to the kitchen for food right now.  I am very determined to not eat anything else tonight.  I will drink a glass of water and brush my teeth.  Hopefully that will help.  I wasn’t very productive in the house department but this was more of a day of appointments.

 Let’s start at the beginning – My weight this morning was 267.6 – a loss of 5.4 pounds.  I know this is water weight but HEY… I will take it.  I was able to put my wedding ring on with ease today.  I have drastically cut my calories from eating anything and everything I wanted.  Today I had 1,582 calories, yesterday I had 1,641 calories.  If anyone would like to join me on loseit.com, please email me at bettysjourneytohappiness@yahoo.com and I will be glad to send you my user name.

My blood sugar was 110 this morning.  This is much better than yesterday.  My blood pressure was 152/92 (still a little high) and pulse 64. 

This morning I had my 6 month mammogram and thyroid ultrasound.  Waiting for results is always so hard.  I will let you know when the results come in.

Wednesday night is margarita night with my best friend, Teresa and sometimes my daughter Brittany joins us to eat.  We have been doing this for years now although I no longer partake of the margaritas due to the liver disease.  I have decided this will be the night I treat myself to ONE cherry coke before switching back to water. 

My best friend Teresa, me and my daughter Brittany

Other than feeding all the animals and a couple loads of laundry, the above is all I managed today but I am okay with that.  I know it will take time to get the house under control.  I have made my goal for tomorrow getting my kitchen sink shiny.  Check back for my before/after pictures.  I also plan on doing a 15 minute declutter on our front porch and one in my bedroom.

                                    
So until tomorrow……..

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams