Giving Up vs Fighting On

I know it has been quite a few days since you last heard from me and I apologize for that.  I have been struggling greatly in pretty much every area of my life.  At times I have been feeling like I am not sure it is even worth the fight.  Even as I write this, the battles rages on.  There is also a great deal of guilt creeping in as well.  I mean honestly, there are people far worse off than I am.  What I am dealing with is so small compared to the battles of others.  And yet I still find myself tired.  Tired of the endless doctor appointments, the testing, procedures, blood draws, surgeries and just being tired.  I am tired of the stress of waiting for results every knowing that if all goes well, in 3 months I will be waiting for results again.  If it doesn't go well, it just leads us down a whole other path.

My one constant in dealing with this stress has become just another battle to face.  FOOD!!!!!!  I love food.  I love to cook food.  I love to eat food.  Food is my comfort.

Last year following a liver biopsy I was diagnosed with NASH.  At that time, I gave up alcohol to not put as much stress on my liver.  Did I love my margaritas? You bet!  Do I miss it?  Of course..... Do I feel I must have it?  NO.  And with that I walk away.  You can't just walk away from food.

Step 2 of dealing with NASH.....  I MUST LOSE WEIGHT!!!!  This can hopefully stop any further damage and possibly give it a chance to heal some. That takes us to the food, my comfort measure.  I am slowly killing myself with food, something that everyone must have.  One would think knowing how urgent it is to lose this weight, it would make it easier.  But it doesn't.  You can't just stop eating food.  Your body requires it.  This is where is gets difficult.  This is where there must be self discipline, willpower, and the ability to restrain one's intake.  When you pretty much love all food, the problem is compounded.  You can't just avoid your trigger foods because in all honesty for me, anything can be a trigger food.  So here I am, no better off then I was a month ago.  I am starting over once again.

My routines are almost nonexistent.  I still struggle to get my medications taken at the same time every day (assuming I get them taken at all).  My house is certainly in no better shape than it was.

There is is...... My Confession.  I will not say I have failed because I have not given up.  I will say that right now my determination is wavering but not gone.  I am struggling with depression but I have not given in to that completely either.  I must once again start at the beginning but in the matter of giving up versus fighting on, I live to fight another day.  One day at a time is the best I can do right now.  At times, minute by minute is all I can handle.

I still plan on sharing this journey with you and we will take many side trips I am sure.  Posts may not be daily for a while as I do have several doctor appointments the next week or so and I will be having my thyroid removed on the 26th.  During this time I will be slowly working on my routines and trying to stay positive and focused.

This morning, my weight was back up to 267.8 pounds.  My fasting blood sugar was 143 (NOT GOOD), blood pressure 153/84 (needs to go back down) and pulse 74.  I have done fairly good with my eating today and all medications have been taken except the ones I take before bed.  So there it is, my confession and my plan to continue on.

               Until next time . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams