Breaking Free From the Shackles of 'WHAT IF'

Do you feel like your fears keep you from experiencing life to its fullest?  Do you often catch yourself thinking ‘But what if….’?

At times in my life, I have felt almost paralyzed by my fears.  I have been shy and reserved my whole life but I have also had virtually no self-esteem for as long as I can remember.  I do not have a lot of memories of being young but some of the ones I do have are very painful still and have had an impact on me my whole life.  As I have stated before, I was somewhat overweight as a child and I have one memory of being around 9 or 10 years old and was going to get off the school bus at a friends house to spend the night.  I had a small travel case with me and as I was walking down the aisle to get on the bus, the case came open and all my things spilled out.  The older kids on the bus proceeded to pass around my things and laugh at me.  At that point I wanted to be anywhere but there.  I also remember various times my family would be together.  I am the youngest of four girls.  If anyone laughed at me, I would go off by myself and cry.  During the high school years things were a little better but I still lacked confidence and self-esteem.

As an adult, I have let these childhood memories influence who I am.  I still struggle daily with self-esteem issues.  I have been called lazy, worthless, fat and stupid for so many years; it is hard to move past that.  I have never enjoyed meeting new people or talking to people I did not know.  I was always afraid to try something new for fear that someone would laugh at me.  When walking, I would keep my head down trying desperately to not catch anyone’s eye.  If I walked past a group of people (men especially) and someone laughed, I just knew they were laughing at me.  In an elevator I want the back corner so there isn’t anyone behind me.  In a crowded room you will find me on the outside perimeter trying to blend in to the woodwork. 

These fears are still a very big part of who I am but I am working on them.  A few years ago, my daughter wanted to learn country line dancing and wanted me to go with her.  Even though I was terrified of making a fool of myself and people laughing, I went with her.  Yes, I did stand in the back at the end of a row in the corner but I was there.  I am still dancing every week and I LOVE it.  I mess up but today I can laugh about it most of the time.  I also stand on the front row these days.  Best of all, I met the most amazing person ever who has become my best friend.  She was/is the dance instructor.  She is the one who inspired me to take this journey I am now on.  She has stood by my side every step of the way through my battle with breast cancer, numerous health issues and continues to keep inspiring me to become the person I desire to be.  She is my best friend, my sister of the heart and my guardian angel.  She also made me realize it is okay to ask for and accept help. 

Around Christmas 2010 I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  That is the year I had battled breast cancer and realized that I had not been happy for a very long time.  In January 2011 I started seeing a therapist.  It was one of the scariest but best things I have done.  Between her and my friend I have learned I deserve to be happy.  I had given up on actually living and had settled in to merely exist.  I have a long way to go but I get a little further every day.  Daily I work a little more at breaking free from the shackles of ‘what if’.

What if someone laughs at me? – As my therapist has told me…. What is the worst that can happen?  They can’t eat you.  She is so right.   And maybe in the process it will become a little easier to laugh at myself.

What if I hold my head up when walking and somebody looks at me? – This has been a very hard one for me.  I have felt unworthy for so long.  Today though, I smile and say hello.  If they smile back, it is an amazing feeling.  And who knows, yours might be the only friendly face they encounter that day.

What if I try something new and make a mistake or fail? – My new thoughts on this are….  It is only a mistake if I do not learn from it.  It is only a failure if I give up and quit trying. 

What if I start to write and nobody wants to read it? – That is ok.  I can’t believe how much joy I am finding just in the writing.  It is so liberating to let some of these issues go and not keep them trapped inside any longer.

Do YOU need to lighten your load?  Are you still shackled to your ‘what ifs’?  It is time to break free!!!!

LIVE – life.  It is yours for the taking.

LAUGH – often.  It eases your cares.

LOVE – freely.  Not just others but yourself.

LEARN – daily.  Push past your fears and what ifs.

I know none of this is easy but if you will make even the tiniest of steps forward, each step gets a little easier.  You will be amazed at the change.

What Motivates YOU?

I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day.  I thought I would give you a little update on things here.  I didn't count my calories over the weekend but was able to maintain what weight loss I have achieved.  From where I started, I am down 19 pounds.  I am starting to tell a difference in the way my clothes fit.  I have been doing great with the hair and makeup every day.  It really does make me feel better about myself.

As for the house....  I take every tiny victory I can in that department.  I have managed to keep my dresser cleaned off for almost 2 weeks now.  That has always been a place that attracts anything and everything.  I am now working on getting the clutter from my bedroom floor.  I tend to be very attached to things and am starting to enjoy the liberating feeling of giving away and throwing away unneeded items.

I was thinking today about the changes I have made recently in both me and my home.  I was thinking back over all the things in past years that I have tried and failed at in trying to get my home and body into shape.  I was trying to figure out why this time is different.  Why am I so excited about taking care of me and about letting the clutter from the house go?  I think it all boils down to...... What is MY motivation.

In the past, my motivation has been guilt, fear of embarrassment, anger from being called names and having derogatory things said about me and to me by my husband and sometimes just obligation.  A few days or a week but about the longest I stuck with anything and I was miserable the whole time.  So, what is different this time?  This time my motivation is ME!  I am doing this for ME!  I am doing what I need to make me happy.  If that means cleaning off a dresser before washing a sink of dishes, then that is what I do even if I am told it is much more "logical" to do the dishes first.  Maybe it would be more logical.  But when I look at my dresser now it makes me smile.  The top is neat and organized.  I have some pretty items displayed from my kids and best friend that I can now enjoy. 

When I look at the sink full of dishes, I feel anger, resentment and hurt.  For some reason, the person that complains the most about the dishes and house (and who does his fair share of dirtying the dishes and house) is unwilling to do anything to help take care of the problem.  There are no small children in our home, only adults and we all have jobs outside the home.  To say this is annoying is an understatement.  I will get to the dishes and everything else that needs attention, but it will be in my time.  It will be when it makes ME smile.  This is my journey to happiness and has been a long time coming.  If the dishes or anything else bothers anyone in my house that much, they are more than welcome to take care of it.  Otherwise, I will get to it when my journey takes me there.

Pilot or Passenger?

"In life, you are either a passenger or a pilot.  It's your choice."  Unknown

Facebook seems to be where I am finding my blog topics lately.  Maybe I spend too much time there, maybe not.  I did see this on Facebook yesterday and again today and it got me to thinking.  I do understand what the author was getting at with this.  That you either take control of the direction your life goes, or you allow someone else to.

Then I started thinking a little deeper.  I started thinking about how this applies to relationships, not just romantic relationships but to friendships and even just every day relationships that we have with those around us.  To make a relationship thrive, sometimes you are the pilot but sometimes you need to take the back seat and be the passenger.  The key is in finding the balance that works.

Each person needs their time in the pilot seat.  They need the opportunity to guide the direction the relationship is heading.  They need to feel that their input is important.  Problems start when one person doesn't want to share this seat.  If one person is the only one guiding where the relationship goes, the passenger will eventually begin to feel like their opinions, wants, desires and dreams don't matter.  Hurt, resentment and finally anger sets in if this doesn't change.  Both people need to feel like they have input.  Often the person who is constantly being placed in the passenger seat will finally make the decision to completely leave the plane.

I hope you are getting the time YOU need in the pilot seat to make your life fulfilling and HAPPY!!!!


Until next time........

Reality Check

Why is it when things are going along great it seems like you always get blindsided?  You are finally happy.  Things seem to be going your way and BAM!, out of nowhere comes something that tries to make you lose focus.  It tries to steal your happiness.  This is what I was up against today.  I spent hours struggling to maintain a hold on my happiness while I felt myself being sucked into the mire of self-pity. 

In the past, I did not have this happiness within me so there was nothing to keep me from being sucked in.  This happiness is still new to me.  As a matter of fact, it has just been within the past few weeks that I have found it.  Maybe it has been there all along but was just buried so deep I couldn't find it.  I must say, I love this feeling.  I don't want to ever lose this part of me again.  It was this realization today that kept me from slipping back into that dark dreadful place.

It doesn't have to be anything major to make you stumble.  It really doesn't even have to be anything unexpected.  This was the case for me today.  I had some difficulty sleeping last night.  When the alarm went off this morning, I thought I hit the snooze.  Apparently I had accidentally shut off the alarm instead.  I woke up 45 minutes later and was now running late.  After an incredibly quick shower, I threw on my clothes and was ready to go.  I was very frustrated with myself but was trying to stay positive.  I have been doing really good with getting my makeup on but did not have time today.  I threw it into a bag and took it with me.  Then I hadn't paid attention to the gas gauge in my car and I had to stop and pump gas on my way to work.  I was still hanging on.  I spent part of my lunch hour putting on my makeup so I didn't feel like I was slipping back to my old habits.  Then mid afternoon I received some news that I knew was coming.  I just wasn't ready for it yet.  This was the blow that almost knocked me down.

For the next several hours, it seemed like everything I tried to do went wrong.  I just kept sinking lower and lower.  My happiness was slipping away.  Then I got home and needed to fix something quickly in the kitchen to take to a cookout.  The problem was, the kitchen hadn't been cleaned from the last time yet.  I had no counter space.  I was knocking things off every time I touched something.  Tools I wanted to use were dirty.  At this point, anger set in and it was more than I could take.  I turned off the stove and walked away.  I had to completely remove myself from the entire situation.  I hated how I was feeling but I knew what had happened in the kitchen was my own fault.  It was also easily fixable.  It was NOT worth sacrificing my new found happiness over.  As for the news from earlier in the day, it was nothing major.  It was something I had already been working on for quite some time and will share more with you later when the time is right.  Again, it was not worth losing my sense of peace. 

The reality is...... THIS IS LIFE.  The ups and the downs..... The good and the not so good.  It is all a part of everyday life.  No one's life is perfect.  We all go through this.  If it is something that you don't like and you have the power to change it, DO SO!!!  It will be worth it.  If you can't change the situation, you can at least change how you react to it.  If what you try the first time doesn't work, try something else.  Keep trying until you find what works for you.

As for my kitchen, I will be working on this tomorrow.  I will also be adding a couple of things into my daily list to help get the home part of my journey on its way.  So stay tuned.  We still have a long way to go.

Until tomorrow......

Every Scar Tells A Story

From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story.  A story that says, "I survived."

Author Unknown

I saw this on Facebook today and even though I have read this and similar sayings before, it really spoke to me today.  Every one of us have scars.  We have all been wounded.  We all have stories.  Chances are, we all have numerous stories. 

Some scars are visible to everyone that see them, like the American soldier injured in a blast who was badly burned or lost a limb.  Their wound will scar.  Their scar will tell their story of their selfless act of heroism.  They can't hide it.

Then there is the person who has gone through cancer or had other health issues.  Their scars are not visible to everyone.  Only those closest to them know of the scars and the stories they tell.

Finally, we have all those people whose wounds are not visible to anyone.  The scars can't be seen by the human eye.  The pain that these wounds cause is the only outward sign that they even exist.  But it doesn't make the wounds any less real.  It does not make it any easier to heal.  As a matter of fact, these wounds can be the most dangerous of all.  Why?  Because those who are suffering often do not let anyone else see what they are going through.  Whether it be from embarrassment, shame, fear or some other reason, they suffer alone.  These wounds take a very long time to heal leaving behind invisible scars that impact that person's life forever.  Sometimes their stories get told and true healing can help lighten some of the scars.  But often times, the stories never get told leaving that person to wonder... "what if".

Everyone has scars.  Everyone has stories.  You will be hearing the stories behind some of my scars in future blogs.  Please feel free to share the stories behind YOUR scars as well.  Together may we find healing and happiness.

Until tomorrow......

Copyright 2012 by Betty Williams

Monday Morning Blahs????

Do you struggle with the Monday morning blahs?  Not me!!!!!  I have had a wonderful day.  Weekends are a very stressful time for me.  Most people dread their Mondays while I often feel relief when they roll around.

I made it through the weekend without gaining any of the weight back that I have lost.  That is very exciting for me.  Tonight was country line dancing so I got in a couple of hours of dancing with my friends.  Great exercise and even greater fun.  Have you found an activity that you just love to do yet?  I did struggle a bit with my morning routine but I did manage to finally get my makeup on before the day was over.  Now it is almost time to go wash it off. 

I am still working on my history part 2.  There is so much I want to tell but I want to do it just right.  So please keep checking back because we have so much left of our journey.   We haven't even left the station yet.

Until tomorrow.....

A Quiet Sunday

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  Today was a fairly quiet day.  We just spent some time doing things to make it easier to get all our animals watered.  My husband is only home on Sundays so I took advantage of that to get some of the heavy lifting done today.  Good planning on my part don't you think?

I managed to stay the same weight today.  I didn't get any "official" exercise but did work outside in the heat.  I am hoping that will help offset the pizza I had for supper today.

I did spend a little time working on topics to discuss next week so be sure to stay tuned...  Tomorrow is a whole new week of my journey and I am SO excited about it.

Until tomorrow.......

Week One in a Nutshell

Hello everyone!!!  Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.  Sorry I missed a couple of days.  Need to make a few adjustments in my time management.

Overall, I am very happy with week one of my journey.  As I a whole new person? Noooooo.....  Is my house now a home and company ready?  Absolutely not.  So please do NOT drop by.....  But I have actually been happy this week.  I have worked on my goals and I see progress.  That is success!!!

Let's do a little goal update: 

For my first goal of losing 10 pounds - I did actually lose 7 pounds this week.  I know it won't continue at that rate, but I love the first week boost.  I have logged MOST of my food but need to work on that a little this next week.  I did not do so good with the packing of my lunch or menu planning.  That needs much work.  I did exercise at least 15 minutes every day but one.  I only cooked one or two meals, so that needs much improvement as well.

My second goal of having the clean, functional kitchen -  well, that did not go so well this week and moved up in importance to focus on in the coming week.

My third goal of taking better care of me - now this was my biggest victory this week.  I cleansed and moisturized my face every night.  Every day I fixed my hair and put on makeup.  I do need to work on making time to write though.

Now, a tip for all my fellow procrastinators out there.....  If you have a smart phone, use it to your advantage.  I made a list of things that need done including things that I need/want to do daily, weekly, etc.  Give them all due dates and reminder times.  For daily items, you will want to set them up as recurring.  Find a good app to download for to do lists and see where it takes you.  I actually got things done this week I have been putting off for months.  Be sure to set up the reminders so your phone reminds you of what needs done.  I tried a couple before I found the one that works best for me.  Best of all, the app was FREE!!!

Stay tuned for week 2 of my journey.  Let me hear from you on how your own personal journey is going and what goals you have set for yourself.

Until tomorrow.....

Mid Week Break

Hope everyone had a great Wednesday.  This will probably be a fairly short post as I had a pretty uneventful day today.  It was wonderful.  Did much better with the getting out of bed today but still not as early as I would like.  Am just barely getting the basics down.  This morning I managed the shower, fixing my hair, and having my shake for breakfast before dashing out the door for work.  Medications had to wait until I got to work and makeup had to wait for my lunch hour, but they both got done. 

Wednesday is my "break" day.  For over two years now my best friend Teresa and I have had our girls night out on Wednesday.  I look forward to it every week as it helps give me that extra push to make it through the rest of the week.  So, there is no exercising on Wednesday.

SO... having said that, my victory for today is.......

I had a piece of grilled chicken, a salad (using the salsa as dressing) and about 1/2 cup of rice for supper.  This was a much healthier choice than my usual steak fajitas and refried beans and almost as enjoyable.  But I am there for the company more than the food, so it was well worth it.

I do have to say I had another victory for today though.  I was down almost another 3 pounds.  I am afraid that tomorrow the scale will not be so kind but will jump that hurdle when I get to it.

Stay tuned... part 2 of my history will be coming up soon and it is time to start working on a plan for getting rid of this clutter in the house. 

Until tomorrow.....

Everyone Stumbles

Happy Tuesday everyone! 

Last night I was so tired when I went to bed, I fell asleep almost immediately.  I was so happy with how my day had went.  It was a wonderful change to not lay there with all kinds of thoughts running through my head. 

I did stumble this morning when the alarm clock went off though.  I had a very hard time getting myself out of bed.  It took over an hour.  That only left time for a quick shower, fixing my hair, throwing on the scrubs and out the door.   I had a granola bar in the car on my way to work.   It was a very busy morning at work.  Today we had reps bring in lunch but I ordered one of the Weight Watcher entrees from Applebees so I stayed with my healthy eating.  I was allowed 1,672 calories today and ate 1,177 calories.  I walked a mile after work with my best friend Teresa to get in my exercise.  I didn't get any fruits in today but will work harder on that tomorrow.  During my lunch hour, I put on my makeup that I didn't have time to do this morning.  Any other day, I would have just forgot it but it makes me feel better about myself when I have it on.  I was very glad I made that decision.  I also managed to do almost everything on my to do list for today.

I was down 3 pounds on the scale this morning but that was NOT my biggest victory of the day.  Even though I stumbled this morning, I picked myself up and didn't let it sidetrack my whole day like I would have in the past.  THAT is my victory for today. 

Until tomorrow.....

Off and Running

Hello again everyone!  This has been a good day.  I feel like I made a very good start.  I didn't make it up at 6 am, but was up at 6:30, which I was happy with considering the fact I had trouble falling asleep last night and it was after 1:30 am before I fell asleep.  I managed to get in my shower, hair fixed and makeup on.  Also managed to get breakfast and my medications in before leaving the house.  I did not have anything to pack for my lunch so I need to get more organized on that. 

I was allowed 1,692 calories based on my weight today.  I had food totaling 1,391 calories.  I also got my exercise in.  Monday nights I do country line dancing.  I absolutely LOVE the dancing and look forward to it every week.  Is a very good form of exercise too.  

I am very proud of what I accomplished today.  I am looking forward to tomorrow to see if I am able to build on what I have started.  For the first time in a long time, I am excited to see what tomorrow brings.

Have a great night.  Until tomorrow.....

History Part One

I grew up out in the country, the youngest of 4 girls.  It almost seemed more like I grew up an only child as my sisters are 9, 11 and 12 years older than me.  I lived in the same house from the day I was born until I got married.  Being out in the country there were not a lot of kids around to play with so I spent much time alone or with our pets.  I have always been an animal lover and had many dogs, cats, rabbit and horses.  I spent some time playing catch with my dad and riding horses with my mom and dad.

My family was not one that was very demonstrative.  I do not remember many hugs, kisses or I Love You's.  I have always been shy and withdrawn as long as I can remember.  If I can blend into the woodwork, that is where I choose to be.  Nobody will make fun of or laugh at what they do not see.  I had a couple of good friends growing up but was not a popular person.    I struggled with my weight through most of my childhood until my 8th grade year.  I remember actually being happy with the way I looked from about age 16 to 18.

My father had a heart attack when I was 12 years old.  He was disabled after that and things changed dramatically.  He was not the happy man who liked to play ball or ride horses any longer.  My mom also went to work full time at this point, which was also a big change.

I had friends in high school but not many close friends that I went out and did things with.  I met my husband the month after I turned 16.  He turned 23 the day after we met.  He lived in Chicago and came back to Southern Illinois one or two weekends a month.  We got married 5 months after I turned 18.  What a HUGE change for a country girl who had never really been anywhere... moving to the suburbs of Chicago.

To Be Continued........

Goals and the Stepping Stones to Reach Them

Goals must be specific. In years past, I would set goals such as I want to lose weight or I want to get my house clean. That doesn't work. How much weight do I want to lose? My house will never be completely "clean" but I can set specific goals so that I can smile when I walk in my house or look in a mirror. You will need to constantly evaluate your goals and steps to reach them. If something isn't working, you have not failed - you just need to try a different approach.

Goal #1 - Lose 120 pounds

Goal #2 - To be able to invite people into my home without being humiliated.

Goal #3 - To be able to look in the mirror and accept what I see, inside and out.

These are very broad goals. So I will break them down into smaller more manageable goals.



My first goal will be to lose 10 pounds. Following are the steps I will attempt to follow to achieve this first mini-goal.

#1 - Keep a log of everything I eat. There are several very good apps and online tools to keep track of this such as www.loseit.com or www.sparkpeople.com or you can just grab you a notebook and pen and start writing.

#2 - Pack a lunch and snacks to take to work with me each day.

#3 - Exercise at least 15 minutes five times a week.

#4 - Cook healthy meals at home. Restrict eating out to twice weekly.

#5 - Plan menus in advance.


My next goal will be to have a clean functional kitchen. This will also assist in the preparing of healthy meals. My goals will apparently work hand in hand to get me where I want to be.

#1 - Clean out and organize the refrigerator.

#2 - Have all dishes washed and put away.

#3 - Organize pantry. Throw away outdated items.

#4 - Clean stove top.

#5 - Have sink clean and emptied so it can be used at any time.


Finally, I need to take care of myself. I need to do what it takes to be happy with who I am.

#1 - Start taking better care of my skin. MUST cleanse and moisturize my face every night.

#2 - Fix hair and apply makeup daily.

#3 - Spend time writing every day.


This is a lot to think about all at once. It may end up being too much. But I will only know that if I try. Each of these many goals will also have several steps but I will get into that as I go.

I also have some goals and things to accomplish for my emotional/mental health and happiness. I will share about these issues in future postings.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all moms out there.  I hope you are all having a wonderful day.  I know I am.  The weather could not be more beautiful here in Southern Illinois.  My best friend Teresa and I had our nails done this morning while my family was still sleeping.  Then I went out to Subway with my daughter and husband for lunch.  After that we took a quick trip to Wal-Mart (or as quick as anyone can make a trip to Wal-Mart) for some finishing touches for our supper tonight.  My daughter and husband also took advantage of this time to pick up a card and gift, which I loved.  I now have two brand new cookbooks to read and try out.  I absolutely LOVE to cook and look forward to sharing with you recipes I have tried as well as tips and tricks.  We have 4 acres about 8 miles north of where our house is.  There is a barn and chicken house out there and our animals love it.  It is next to my mother's house.  So while Brittany (daughter) and Alan (husband) were feeding the animals, I visited with Mom.  I need to make more time to visit and that is going to be one of the things I work on with getting myself organized.  My son Erik and his wife Jolene will be coming over this evening for a cookout.  I can't wait.  We don't all get together nearly as often as I would like.  But I know everyone is busy. 

Tomorrow I plan to start in taking my first steps in my journey.  I know that to not be rushed in the mornings, I must make myself get out of bed and face the day.  So I will be trying to get up at 6 am tomorrow and doing the few items that I have on my list for mornings.  To begin, these include shower, hair and makeup; breakfast and taking my medications; packing a healthy lunch with snacks.  If I have time, I would also like to start working in a few household chores eventually to start getting my house under control.  I do NOT want to tackle too much my first morning and get frustrated though so I will hold off for a day or two on the chores.

I also plan on starting to share some of my past with you tomorrow so you know more about where I come from and what has made me the person I am today.  Accepting that will be a key point in becoming the person I want to be, the person that I am deep down inside.  The REAL me that most people don't know.

So, enjoy the rest of your day.  Until tomorrow.........

Welcome

Hello!  I am so excited about my first blog posting.  I invite you to join me on my journey to finding happiness.  It is a journey that has no set destination.  The happiness will be in the journey itself.  I will be sharing many things about my life, both present and past.  I will also be sharing my goals and dreams for the future.  I believe that the struggles I have faced and continue to face are ones that many others are also facing.  Together we can meet our goals and achieve our dreams.

At the present time, my life is very disorganized and cluttered both physically and emotionally.  My home is in need of a top to bottom declutter and cleaning.  In addition to this, I also have some health issues that require me to get down to a healthy weight.  So you will also be following along as I work towards losing over 100 pounds.  I look forward to sharing what has worked for me as well as what has not worked and why.  I hope you will feel free to share your thoughts as you take this journey with me.

At the present time, I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings.  I dread seeing what my home has become, I do not like to look in the mirror and this frustrates me.  There are so many things I want to do but I have allowed this depression to take over.  It is now time for me to take control.   So stay tuned, I will be sharing much more about myself in the coming days.  For now, I must get started on some dishes and some laundry.