Breaking Free From the Shackles of 'WHAT IF'

Do you feel like your fears keep you from experiencing life to its fullest?  Do you often catch yourself thinking ‘But what if….’?

At times in my life, I have felt almost paralyzed by my fears.  I have been shy and reserved my whole life but I have also had virtually no self-esteem for as long as I can remember.  I do not have a lot of memories of being young but some of the ones I do have are very painful still and have had an impact on me my whole life.  As I have stated before, I was somewhat overweight as a child and I have one memory of being around 9 or 10 years old and was going to get off the school bus at a friends house to spend the night.  I had a small travel case with me and as I was walking down the aisle to get on the bus, the case came open and all my things spilled out.  The older kids on the bus proceeded to pass around my things and laugh at me.  At that point I wanted to be anywhere but there.  I also remember various times my family would be together.  I am the youngest of four girls.  If anyone laughed at me, I would go off by myself and cry.  During the high school years things were a little better but I still lacked confidence and self-esteem.

As an adult, I have let these childhood memories influence who I am.  I still struggle daily with self-esteem issues.  I have been called lazy, worthless, fat and stupid for so many years; it is hard to move past that.  I have never enjoyed meeting new people or talking to people I did not know.  I was always afraid to try something new for fear that someone would laugh at me.  When walking, I would keep my head down trying desperately to not catch anyone’s eye.  If I walked past a group of people (men especially) and someone laughed, I just knew they were laughing at me.  In an elevator I want the back corner so there isn’t anyone behind me.  In a crowded room you will find me on the outside perimeter trying to blend in to the woodwork. 

These fears are still a very big part of who I am but I am working on them.  A few years ago, my daughter wanted to learn country line dancing and wanted me to go with her.  Even though I was terrified of making a fool of myself and people laughing, I went with her.  Yes, I did stand in the back at the end of a row in the corner but I was there.  I am still dancing every week and I LOVE it.  I mess up but today I can laugh about it most of the time.  I also stand on the front row these days.  Best of all, I met the most amazing person ever who has become my best friend.  She was/is the dance instructor.  She is the one who inspired me to take this journey I am now on.  She has stood by my side every step of the way through my battle with breast cancer, numerous health issues and continues to keep inspiring me to become the person I desire to be.  She is my best friend, my sister of the heart and my guardian angel.  She also made me realize it is okay to ask for and accept help. 

Around Christmas 2010 I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  That is the year I had battled breast cancer and realized that I had not been happy for a very long time.  In January 2011 I started seeing a therapist.  It was one of the scariest but best things I have done.  Between her and my friend I have learned I deserve to be happy.  I had given up on actually living and had settled in to merely exist.  I have a long way to go but I get a little further every day.  Daily I work a little more at breaking free from the shackles of ‘what if’.

What if someone laughs at me? – As my therapist has told me…. What is the worst that can happen?  They can’t eat you.  She is so right.   And maybe in the process it will become a little easier to laugh at myself.

What if I hold my head up when walking and somebody looks at me? – This has been a very hard one for me.  I have felt unworthy for so long.  Today though, I smile and say hello.  If they smile back, it is an amazing feeling.  And who knows, yours might be the only friendly face they encounter that day.

What if I try something new and make a mistake or fail? – My new thoughts on this are….  It is only a mistake if I do not learn from it.  It is only a failure if I give up and quit trying. 

What if I start to write and nobody wants to read it? – That is ok.  I can’t believe how much joy I am finding just in the writing.  It is so liberating to let some of these issues go and not keep them trapped inside any longer.

Do YOU need to lighten your load?  Are you still shackled to your ‘what ifs’?  It is time to break free!!!!

LIVE – life.  It is yours for the taking.

LAUGH – often.  It eases your cares.

LOVE – freely.  Not just others but yourself.

LEARN – daily.  Push past your fears and what ifs.

I know none of this is easy but if you will make even the tiniest of steps forward, each step gets a little easier.  You will be amazed at the change.