Pothole

Well I said I would keep you updated but there isn't much to tell you.  Nothing much has changed.  I wasn't feeling very well Monday.  Tuesday was worse and this morning I broke down and went to the doctor.  I have a sinus infection and bronchitis.  I did NOT go to Weight Watchers to weigh today and I did not get on the scale at home either.  I did manage to fix my hair and put in a pair of earrings and wear a couple of rings Monday and Tuesday.  Today... I just didn't care.  Nothing has been done with the house either but it is going to have to wait another day or two until I feel better.

As I lay here with my box of tissues, cough drops, cold meds and antibiotics I am looking at the mess my bedroom has become.  It is making me very frustrated.  Just a few months ago I had such plans for the house, things I wanted to do and how I wanted it decorated.  But I seem to have completely buried those dreams along with others I had been looking forward to.  As those dreams disappeared so did what happiness I had worked so hard to achieve.  This is not the person I want to be.  But you already knew that.  That is what this journey is all about.  SO... how do I go about that? 

There has to be a way to combine those dreams with this life I have chosen.  There MUST be.  I need those dreams back.  They are vital to my journey.  I want to enjoy this life, not just exist.  I want to be the person I see when I close my eyes.  I want my house to become the home that I crave.  This is what brings the smile not just to my face but to my heart.

I will be spending this time and the time I will have while recovering from my upcoming surgery working on how to uncover these dreams and incorporating them into the life I have now.  I know it will be baby steps.  I know there will be set backs but I am determined to succeed.  I will find a way.  I will find the balance between these two worlds and make them both my own.

Until next time.....

Copyright 2012 by Betty Williams

If You Go Backwards Long Enough......

Can You Still Get Where You Want To Be???

This is a question I have been asking myself quite a bit here lately.  And the answer appears to be NO....

Hello again!!  It has been a while.  Too long.  Every time I started to write I hated to admit failure once again.  I just can't seem to stay on track.  I have been trying to figure out why but there doesn't seem to be any obvious answer.

I am still going through several health issues.  I saw an endocrinologist in St. Louis last week and am now awaiting an appointment with my favorite surgeon.  It is also getting closer to time for my next CT/PET scan.  I have also completely derailed on the weight loss and taking care of me.  It is very important that I lose this weight. 

I started Weight Watchers on July 25th.  I lost 12 pounds the first three weeks.  Then we went on vacation and I gained back seven of those pounds.  Then the next week I gained three more (last week).  I am hoping things will at least be the same when I weigh in this week.  I started back following the WW plan today and will weigh in on Wednesday.

Now, as for my taking care of the physical me such as wearing makeup, jewelry, skin care, dressing in things other than jeans and t-shirt or scrubs...... I seem to be an "all or nothing" gal.  If I can't (or don't) do it all, I don't do any of it.  Not a good way to be.  If I can just focus on one or two items at a time until they become habit it would be a much easier transition.

About getting my house clean and under control....  not going so well either.  For one thing, it is now so overwhelming I am not sure where to start.  I walk into a room planning to attack and take a look and turn around and just walk back out.  I am so tired all the time and by the time I push myself to get through the work day, there just isn't anything left.  The same goes for exercise.  I am just wore out.

I also still still struggle with depression almost daily and this makes everything more difficult.  There are days I struggle to even get out of bed.  Writing has been difficult as well.  I love writing and want to pursue this but have let the dark clouds move back in. 

So, once again I have taken a wrong turn on my journey but am taking a U-turn to get back where I want to go.  I have many changes that need to be made.  I will try harder to keep you up to date and let you know what helps keep me focused and moving forward and what doesn't.

I would love to hear how your journey is progressing as well.

Until next time..........

Copyright 2012 by Betty Williams