Trying Again

Hello again...  

I had worked several days on my next blog post but it just wasn't getting to the point I wanted it to.  THEN.... things changed.  So I will get back to that posting soon but for now I have a whole new one for you.  I am sure there will be some surprises in there for people who know me personally.  But to continue on in this journey, the past has to be addressed.

I realize I have been very vague in my mentions of my marriage and my husband in past postings.  The reason for that is that in my mind and for the most part in my heart, I had already left this marriage.  Alan and I have been together for 30 years and married for 27.  It was very hard to decide to end that despite the fact that I had came to the point that I was much happier and relaxed when he was not around.  When it got to the point that I could barely stand for him to touch or kiss me, I knew something had to be done.  We could not continue on this way.

This past Tuesday, I met with an attorney and started the process of a divorce.  I had very mixed emotions.  I was sad that this person I had grown up with would no longer be a part of my life even though the person I had truly married did not seem to exist anymore.  I did not want to hurt him despite the fact that I hurting so badly most of the time, I had ended up in the emergency room twice due to stress.  But I was determined.  All we ever did any more was fight.  Obviously neither of us was happy anymore.

I had actually mentioned divorce back in August 2011 and was ready to proceed at that time.  Or I thought I was.  We agreed to try to work things out but nothing changed.  I was not comfortable with the idea of proceeding around the holidays and one thing led to another until here we are almost a year later.  I met with the attorney on Tuesday morning.  With Alan working up north during the week and not being home, I took the chicken way out this second time and sent an email telling him I had met with the attorney, I wanted a divorce and included a proposal on dividing our possessions.  As I expected I soon got a phone call, followed by many text messages over the next few days.  I knew we still loved each other, but we just couldn't seem to get past the hurts we had each caused the other.  We spoke of trying again after we had taken the time to heal.  But Alan did not want a divorce.  He kept stressing that this was NOT what he wanted.  But I knew the man I had been living with the past 15 - 20 years was not who I wanted any longer.  It was NOT the man I married.

After talking much of Thursday, Alan was telling me he got it now.  He knew what was important and that it was family....it was not our house, our vehicles, where we went on vacation or how much money we did or didn't have in the bank.  It was being together, enjoying each other and our children that was the most important.  He also agreed to go to counseling WITH me.

I agreed to try again.  I did/do still love him.  He worked a 16 hour shift over Friday night and didn't come home until Saturday morning.  The man that walked through the door at that time was not the same man who left the Monday before.  This was the man I married.  I am anxious for our daughter to get to know this man as she has never seen this person.  Our son knew this person but it has been a long time since he has seen him but I think they will get along just fine.

Am I worried that this is just a temporary change?  Of course I am.  But I am also optimistic.  And if the "old Alan" starts to creep back in, I will speak up.  But right now, I am going to enjoy the return of my husband to the man I married.  This weekend has felt almost like the honeymoon phase again.  I hope that never ends but I am realistic.  I know we will have problems and we will argue but the mental and physical abuse will NOT be allowed any longer.  So the ground rules have been set.

Is my journey over now?  Oh no...... far from it.  My marriage was only a portion of my life that needed changing.  I am still working on those other things.  And marriage is always a work in process no matter what stage you are at.  So keep following.  I will continue to open up about things from my past and how that has impacted who I am today.  We will continue working on the weight issues and the household and mental clutter.  But for the rest of today, I am going to enjoy my family.  I hope you can do the same.

Until next time.......