Hello again everyone.... just wanted to let you know I am still here...I seem to have stalled a bit but am doing some reevaluating on my hopes, dreams and goals. I am NOT giving up my journey, that is too important to me. But it needs a little remodeling. So stick with me for a day or two while I get my next message ready to post and we will get this train back on its tracks.
Talk to you soon.....
Betty
I will be sharing what it takes for me to get my health/body, life and home where it needs to be. I will be sharing very personal battles from an abusive relationship, to my battle with breast cancer and my struggle to find true happiness. I welcome comments and thoughts and would love for you to follow along and share with anyone you think could use the support in taking their own journey.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Trying Again
Hello again...
I had worked several days on my next blog post but it just wasn't getting to the point I wanted it to. THEN.... things changed. So I will get back to that posting soon but for now I have a whole new one for you. I am sure there will be some surprises in there for people who know me personally. But to continue on in this journey, the past has to be addressed.
I realize I have been very vague in my mentions of my marriage and my husband in past postings. The reason for that is that in my mind and for the most part in my heart, I had already left this marriage. Alan and I have been together for 30 years and married for 27. It was very hard to decide to end that despite the fact that I had came to the point that I was much happier and relaxed when he was not around. When it got to the point that I could barely stand for him to touch or kiss me, I knew something had to be done. We could not continue on this way.
This past Tuesday, I met with an attorney and started the process of a divorce. I had very mixed emotions. I was sad that this person I had grown up with would no longer be a part of my life even though the person I had truly married did not seem to exist anymore. I did not want to hurt him despite the fact that I hurting so badly most of the time, I had ended up in the emergency room twice due to stress. But I was determined. All we ever did any more was fight. Obviously neither of us was happy anymore.
I had actually mentioned divorce back in August 2011 and was ready to proceed at that time. Or I thought I was. We agreed to try to work things out but nothing changed. I was not comfortable with the idea of proceeding around the holidays and one thing led to another until here we are almost a year later. I met with the attorney on Tuesday morning. With Alan working up north during the week and not being home, I took the chicken way out this second time and sent an email telling him I had met with the attorney, I wanted a divorce and included a proposal on dividing our possessions. As I expected I soon got a phone call, followed by many text messages over the next few days. I knew we still loved each other, but we just couldn't seem to get past the hurts we had each caused the other. We spoke of trying again after we had taken the time to heal. But Alan did not want a divorce. He kept stressing that this was NOT what he wanted. But I knew the man I had been living with the past 15 - 20 years was not who I wanted any longer. It was NOT the man I married.
After talking much of Thursday, Alan was telling me he got it now. He knew what was important and that it was family....it was not our house, our vehicles, where we went on vacation or how much money we did or didn't have in the bank. It was being together, enjoying each other and our children that was the most important. He also agreed to go to counseling WITH me.
I agreed to try again. I did/do still love him. He worked a 16 hour shift over Friday night and didn't come home until Saturday morning. The man that walked through the door at that time was not the same man who left the Monday before. This was the man I married. I am anxious for our daughter to get to know this man as she has never seen this person. Our son knew this person but it has been a long time since he has seen him but I think they will get along just fine.
Am I worried that this is just a temporary change? Of course I am. But I am also optimistic. And if the "old Alan" starts to creep back in, I will speak up. But right now, I am going to enjoy the return of my husband to the man I married. This weekend has felt almost like the honeymoon phase again. I hope that never ends but I am realistic. I know we will have problems and we will argue but the mental and physical abuse will NOT be allowed any longer. So the ground rules have been set.
Is my journey over now? Oh no...... far from it. My marriage was only a portion of my life that needed changing. I am still working on those other things. And marriage is always a work in process no matter what stage you are at. So keep following. I will continue to open up about things from my past and how that has impacted who I am today. We will continue working on the weight issues and the household and mental clutter. But for the rest of today, I am going to enjoy my family. I hope you can do the same.
Until next time.......
I had worked several days on my next blog post but it just wasn't getting to the point I wanted it to. THEN.... things changed. So I will get back to that posting soon but for now I have a whole new one for you. I am sure there will be some surprises in there for people who know me personally. But to continue on in this journey, the past has to be addressed.
I realize I have been very vague in my mentions of my marriage and my husband in past postings. The reason for that is that in my mind and for the most part in my heart, I had already left this marriage. Alan and I have been together for 30 years and married for 27. It was very hard to decide to end that despite the fact that I had came to the point that I was much happier and relaxed when he was not around. When it got to the point that I could barely stand for him to touch or kiss me, I knew something had to be done. We could not continue on this way.
This past Tuesday, I met with an attorney and started the process of a divorce. I had very mixed emotions. I was sad that this person I had grown up with would no longer be a part of my life even though the person I had truly married did not seem to exist anymore. I did not want to hurt him despite the fact that I hurting so badly most of the time, I had ended up in the emergency room twice due to stress. But I was determined. All we ever did any more was fight. Obviously neither of us was happy anymore.
I had actually mentioned divorce back in August 2011 and was ready to proceed at that time. Or I thought I was. We agreed to try to work things out but nothing changed. I was not comfortable with the idea of proceeding around the holidays and one thing led to another until here we are almost a year later. I met with the attorney on Tuesday morning. With Alan working up north during the week and not being home, I took the chicken way out this second time and sent an email telling him I had met with the attorney, I wanted a divorce and included a proposal on dividing our possessions. As I expected I soon got a phone call, followed by many text messages over the next few days. I knew we still loved each other, but we just couldn't seem to get past the hurts we had each caused the other. We spoke of trying again after we had taken the time to heal. But Alan did not want a divorce. He kept stressing that this was NOT what he wanted. But I knew the man I had been living with the past 15 - 20 years was not who I wanted any longer. It was NOT the man I married.
After talking much of Thursday, Alan was telling me he got it now. He knew what was important and that it was family....it was not our house, our vehicles, where we went on vacation or how much money we did or didn't have in the bank. It was being together, enjoying each other and our children that was the most important. He also agreed to go to counseling WITH me.
I agreed to try again. I did/do still love him. He worked a 16 hour shift over Friday night and didn't come home until Saturday morning. The man that walked through the door at that time was not the same man who left the Monday before. This was the man I married. I am anxious for our daughter to get to know this man as she has never seen this person. Our son knew this person but it has been a long time since he has seen him but I think they will get along just fine.
Am I worried that this is just a temporary change? Of course I am. But I am also optimistic. And if the "old Alan" starts to creep back in, I will speak up. But right now, I am going to enjoy the return of my husband to the man I married. This weekend has felt almost like the honeymoon phase again. I hope that never ends but I am realistic. I know we will have problems and we will argue but the mental and physical abuse will NOT be allowed any longer. So the ground rules have been set.
Is my journey over now? Oh no...... far from it. My marriage was only a portion of my life that needed changing. I am still working on those other things. And marriage is always a work in process no matter what stage you are at. So keep following. I will continue to open up about things from my past and how that has impacted who I am today. We will continue working on the weight issues and the household and mental clutter. But for the rest of today, I am going to enjoy my family. I hope you can do the same.
Until next time.......
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Speed Bump
I know it has been a while since I posted and I apologize. I know if we are taking this journey together, I must share even when things don’t go the way I plan. I seem to have hit a “speed bump” in my journey that has sidetracked me temporarily. I hadn’t posted and realized that I was ashamed and embarrassed to have stumbled so quickly. But I am ready to get back up, dust myself off, tend to my wounds and start moving forward again.
I have gained back 6 lbs by not watching what I was eating and not exercising. I could give you a long list of excuses that sound good, but I think it just boils down to letting the depression start to creep back in and my willpower and motivation took a huge hit. I had thought I had a grip on this but have learned it can attack at any time. The secret is just not letting it take control.
I have had a rough couple of weekends where my self-esteem has been attacked and I started to let the old doubts take hold. But this time, I realized what was happening. I did my best to block the messages being sent my way and reminded myself that what someone else thinks and says about me does NOT make it true. Some people just are not happy themselves and take joy in trying to destroy others.
I pause to acknowledge the positive changes I have made so far. Some of them even stuck through my speed bump. I still fixed my hair and put on makeup. These are things that would have been the first to go in the past. I have been slowly working through a to do list and getting things done that I have been putting off for years. It feels really good to mark these off the list. It makes me want to do more… to keep marking these things off.
I once again have my road map spread out in front of me. I am ready to proceed on my journey. My steps may be a little smaller and my pace a little slower, but I am moving forward.
I leave you today with the lyrics of a song I heard on my way to work this morning sung by Tim McGraw and previously recorded by Sammy Kershaw, written by: Ashley Gorley and Bryan Simpson……
Better Than I Used To Be
I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie
I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
There’s one or two I might need you to help me get
Standin in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
But I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie
I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
There’s one or two I might need you to help me get
Standin in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be
I ain't no angel
I still got a still few more dances with the devil
But I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be