One More Second Chance!!!!

Well here I am again. I can't say right back where I started from because I am not. I have struggled.... I have learned lessons.... but I have not failed because I have NOT quit trying. I believe you will see a bit of a change with my blog. I have always been open and honest with you but I had a tendency to disappear when things got rough or when I stumbled. Not anymore!!!! To use the title of one of my husband's favorite Clint Eastwood films, you have me for "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly". Some details may seem small and meaningless to you. But for me, it is a result of a choice I made. So here we go with Day 1.....


I had a bit of a struggle getting out of bed today. This is something I MUST work on. When the alarm goes off, I GET UP!!!!!!

I got out of bed at 7:30 am – rushed around throwing food into my lunch box and getting dressed for work. I need to plan better so that I get HEALTHY meals planned, prepared for and follow through with them. Today’s breakfast was 2 slices of gluten free bread with strawberry rhubarb jam. Lunch will be 2 leftover grilled hot dogs with a slice of American cheese and a slice of gluten free bread. I am planning for supper to be some of the leftover pork from last night made into a “manhattan” style meal with some mashed potatoes. I am going to omit the bread underneath as I already have had more bread in a day than I usually eat. Again, a result of poor planning on my part. I do plan on fixing some roasted asparagus to go with it as well as a salad with my homemade vinegar and oil dressing.

I took my thyroid med at a little after 8 am this morning. My medications are another item I struggle with daily. I not only have trouble taking them on time, some days I never even get them taken. NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!

I was so glad to see my sister at home last night. She looked wonderful. One week and one day after having a liver transplant, she was home. When I see all that she has been through and continues to go through because of her liver disease, I realize I must make some major changes… NOW!!!! Not later today….. Not in the morning…… Not next week!!!!!!!! Every second of every day is a chance to start fresh. Every action that I take or don’t take is a result of a choice that I make… Nobody else….. Just ME!!! I can’t rely on anyone else to motivate me… push me…. Encourage me… It is MY responsibility. It is MY life. It is up to ME to choose how I want to LIVE!!! I am not saying I don't have anyone who pushes me and motivates me and keeps me going. I have three VERY special ladies who are there for me and countless others I know who would do whatever I needed. But these three don't let me hide.

I waste too much time playing games on the computer in the evening. I know that I am tired and don’t want to get up and be active but I must. The games are NOT what I consider living my life. It is avoiding my life and all it can be. It is time to be active and live in the present and not wait for SOME day. TODAY is the day.

Every day I WILL:
1. Do something just for the enjoyment of living. This can have NOTHING to do with the computer or the television.
2. Make the healthiest food choices I can.
3. Enjoy some form of activity for at least 20 minutes.
4. Journal – my food (every bite) and my activity and my feelings

My To Do list for this week:
1. Work on my goals. Write my goals as if they already are accomplished. WHAT I want… WHY I want it and HOW do I go about achieving that.
2. Begin working on my vision board and a “Bucket List” – both of these will be continually changing as things are accomplished and new dreams are added.

So, that is my plan so far. I am writing this during my lunch break so I will let you know how Day 1 goes tomorrow. Let me hear from you with what changes YOU are making, what things are you trying, what food YOU are eating. What is on your bucket list? Let's get out there and LIVE!!!!!!

Guess Who is Back!!!!!!!

Yup... It is I..... Betty Williams.  I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and I am ready to try again.  So many things have changed since I last wrote to you... and yet so many have stayed the same.  This will be a very short post as I just wanted to push myself to let you know I am still here.  I am working on my post and will have it out here this week.  In the meantime, feel free to browse the old posts, ask any questions you may have and I will be back with you real soon.  Thanks for hanging with me.

 Betty

You Have Failed ONLY IF You Have Quit Trying

Hello again everybody!  I am hoping I am finally back.  I ran across the above quote this morning and am clinging to it's words.  I have to believe that one day I will succeed, otherwise there is no need to keep trying.  For that matter, there would be no need to continue living. 

So far this year I have had a colonoscopy, complete thyroid removed, several CT scans, numerous visits to the emergency room, a hospital admission to ICU for 2 days and have a test scheduled for this Wednesday.  It is also time to schedule my six month mammogram.  The plus side of this is I am finally feeling better than I have in a long time but it is still taking a long time to get my stamina back up.  I am still struggling with my weight and have set myself a goal.  If I am not down to 225 by vacation time, I will visit my doctor to see if I might qualify for lap band surgery.  I would prefer to manage this without surgical intervention so that is a big motivating factor for me right now.  On top of this, I have several other ongoing issues that is taking a great deal of my time and energy.

Today's post will not be a long one but I would like to end it on a more positive note. Here are a few things I am thankful right now:

I am now completely off one of the blood pressure medications I have taken for years.  My blood pressure is good. 

Our vacation cabin in the Smoky Mountains is booked and we will be going in August.  I am so excited I can't wait.  I am hoping to get quite a bit done on the book I am writing while we are down there.

Finally, my daughter is engaged and we are having a wonderful time together planning and working on things for her wedding.  I am loving this time spent with her.  We are definitely making memories.

I think I will end here for today.  I have much I need to work on today.  My washing machine is leaking so I must make a trip to the laundry mat today.  Not my favorite place to go but I will try to look at the plus side.  It will all be done at once. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and a great week.  I will be talking to you again soon.


Until next time...........

 

Copyright by Betty Williams 2013

Getting back up...... again

I do not have a bunch to say today.  I just wanted to let you know I am still here.  It has taken me longer than I thought after my surgery to be ready to write again.  I am still struggling to get back on track.  As a matter of fact, just sitting here writing this tiny bit I have tears rolling down my face.  I am starting to feel much better than I have in years but I am still fighting many battles.  Some of them are just with myself but they are still very difficult.  I promise I will get you up to date very soon.  Thank you for sticking with me and not giving up.

Copyright April 2013 by Betty Williams

Monday.... AGAIN

Here we are starting another week.  The days just roll on by without my getting much of anything done.  Either I am going to have to speed up or things are going to have to slow down.

My weight was down just a tiny bit today.  I was 267.4 pounds today.  I have taken all my medication as I am supposed to.  I had to have some blood drawn this morning and thankfully that was done with only one stick today instead of the usual 3 or 4.

From left to right - Mary Jane, Susan, Me, Teresa and Nancy

Monday night is my line dancing night and I had a blast with my ladies.  Dancing is such a stress reliever as well as good exercise.

That is the extent of my day.  Hopefully I will have a little more to tell you tomorrow.  How did YOUR day go?

                 Until next time . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Giving Up vs Fighting On

I know it has been quite a few days since you last heard from me and I apologize for that.  I have been struggling greatly in pretty much every area of my life.  At times I have been feeling like I am not sure it is even worth the fight.  Even as I write this, the battles rages on.  There is also a great deal of guilt creeping in as well.  I mean honestly, there are people far worse off than I am.  What I am dealing with is so small compared to the battles of others.  And yet I still find myself tired.  Tired of the endless doctor appointments, the testing, procedures, blood draws, surgeries and just being tired.  I am tired of the stress of waiting for results every knowing that if all goes well, in 3 months I will be waiting for results again.  If it doesn't go well, it just leads us down a whole other path.

My one constant in dealing with this stress has become just another battle to face.  FOOD!!!!!!  I love food.  I love to cook food.  I love to eat food.  Food is my comfort.

Last year following a liver biopsy I was diagnosed with NASH.  At that time, I gave up alcohol to not put as much stress on my liver.  Did I love my margaritas? You bet!  Do I miss it?  Of course..... Do I feel I must have it?  NO.  And with that I walk away.  You can't just walk away from food.

Step 2 of dealing with NASH.....  I MUST LOSE WEIGHT!!!!  This can hopefully stop any further damage and possibly give it a chance to heal some. That takes us to the food, my comfort measure.  I am slowly killing myself with food, something that everyone must have.  One would think knowing how urgent it is to lose this weight, it would make it easier.  But it doesn't.  You can't just stop eating food.  Your body requires it.  This is where is gets difficult.  This is where there must be self discipline, willpower, and the ability to restrain one's intake.  When you pretty much love all food, the problem is compounded.  You can't just avoid your trigger foods because in all honesty for me, anything can be a trigger food.  So here I am, no better off then I was a month ago.  I am starting over once again.

My routines are almost nonexistent.  I still struggle to get my medications taken at the same time every day (assuming I get them taken at all).  My house is certainly in no better shape than it was.

There is is...... My Confession.  I will not say I have failed because I have not given up.  I will say that right now my determination is wavering but not gone.  I am struggling with depression but I have not given in to that completely either.  I must once again start at the beginning but in the matter of giving up versus fighting on, I live to fight another day.  One day at a time is the best I can do right now.  At times, minute by minute is all I can handle.

I still plan on sharing this journey with you and we will take many side trips I am sure.  Posts may not be daily for a while as I do have several doctor appointments the next week or so and I will be having my thyroid removed on the 26th.  During this time I will be slowly working on my routines and trying to stay positive and focused.

This morning, my weight was back up to 267.8 pounds.  My fasting blood sugar was 143 (NOT GOOD), blood pressure 153/84 (needs to go back down) and pulse 74.  I have done fairly good with my eating today and all medications have been taken except the ones I take before bed.  So there it is, my confession and my plan to continue on.

               Until next time . . . . . . . . . . .

Copyright 2013 by Betty Williams

Two Sides of Words Spoken

***** THE FOLLOWING IS PURELY FICTION.  IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION, PLEASE SEEK TREATMENT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE BY SPEAKING WITH YOUR DOCTOR OR CALLING ONE OF THE NUMBERS LISTED BELOW. *****

 

 

Two Sides of Words Spoken

 He stands beside the casket, speaking to each of the people filing past.  He is somewhat surprised at the number of people who have taken time out of their busy lives to stop by and pay their last respects.  He recognized most of the family, but many others he has no idea who they are.  How did all these people know his wife when he didn’t know them?  Is it possible there was a side to her he never took the time to understand?  Not likely.  He listened to story after story of how his wife had touched their lives.  Were they really talking about the same person.  She had apparently shown kindness, love and caring to each of these people in one form or another.  Many she had provided meals for, others she delivered much needed groceries, some she watched their children when they needed someone, a few had been given rides when either their cars had given up or were out of fuel.  Many she had just provided compassion, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  They said she was going to be greatly missed.  He just didn’t understand what she had been thinking.  Why did she do this?  How stupid could someone be?  He was always trying to help her improve herself and learn to do things more efficiently but she just wouldn’t listen to him.  He told her over and over what she needed to do to be better. 

She sat in her car staring out the windshield without really seeing the bridge in front of her.  Tears were streaming down her face as his words ran on a continuous loop through her mind.  She closed her eyes and covered her ears with her hands but neither the tears nor the words would stop.  “You never fail to disappoint”, “You never miss an opportunity to fail”, “Now I know why they have idiot lights”, “A little common sense can go a long way”, “I will treat you better when you deserve to be treated better” and on and on and on.  She couldn’t take it any longer.  She doubted anyone would miss her anyway.  With that final thought, she hit the accelerator without even opening her eyes or taking her hands off her ears.  Peace was finally within her grasp.

 

Copyright by Betty Williams 2013

 

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Many people feel sad or depressed at some time in their life.  But if this sadness or depression continues you need to seek help.  Clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition,  you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:

      Fatigue or loss of energy almost daily

                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost daily

Impaired concentration or being indecisive

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost daily

Diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be best determined by significant others)

Restlessness or feeling slowed down

Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

Significant change of more than 5% of body weight in a month – either gain or loss

 

Take any mention of suicide seriously. If someone is threatening to commit suicide, get help right away. Health professionals should try to find out whether the person:

Has the means (weapons or medicines) available to commit suicide or do harm to another person

Has set a time and place to commit suicide

Thinks that there is no alternative way to stop the pain



If a suicide threat seems real, with a specific plan and the means at hand:

Call 911, a suicide hotline, or the police immediately

Stay with the person, or ask someone you trust to stay with the person, until the crisis is over

Encourage the person to seek professional help

Don't argue with ("It's not as bad as you think") or challenge the person ("You're not the type to commit suicide")

Tell the person that you don't want him or her to die. Talk about the situation as openly as possible



You can take steps to prevent a suicide attempt.

Be willing to listen, and help the person find help. Don't be afraid to talk to them or ask "What is the matter?" or bring up the subject of suicide. There is no evidence that talking about suicide leads to suicidal thinking or suicide.

Remove all firearms from the home, or lock firearms and bullets up in different places.

Get rid of any prescription and nonprescription medicines that are not being used.

 

Warning Signs Of Suicide

It is difficult to know if a person is thinking about committing suicide. These are people who:

Have tried to commit suicide before, or have had a family member who has tried to commit or who committed suicide.

Have had or have mental health problems such as severe anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or depression

Have been through family violence, including physical or sexual abuse.

Drink a lot of alcohol or use drugs

Are older. Older Americans have the highest suicide rate of any age group. The rate is highest among white men ages 65 and older. Within this group, divorced and widowed men have the highest rate.

Are veterans or are members of the armed services.

 

 

Events that may put people at greater risk for suicide include:

Life changes such as the death of a partner or good friend, retirement, divorce, or problems with money.

The diagnosis of a serious physical illness, such as cancer or heart disease, or a new physical disability.

Severe and long-lasting pain.

Loss of independence or not being able to get around without help.

Living alone or not having friends or social contacts

Adults who are at risk may show these warning signs of suicide.

They may:

Plan to or say they want to hurt or kill themselves or someone else.

Talk, write, read, or draw about death, including writing suicide notes and talking about items that can cause physical harm, such as pills, guns, or knives.

Say they have no hope, they feel trapped, or there is no point in "going on."

Buy guns or bullets, stockpile medicines, or take other action to prepare for a suicide attempt. They may have a new interest in guns or other weapons.

Drink more alcohol or use drugs, including prescription medicines.

No longer want to see people and want to be alone a lot.

No longer take care of themselves or follow medical advice.

Give away their things and/or hurry to complete a will.

 

The warning signs in children, teens and young adults may be different. They include running away from home or doing risky or dangerous things, such as drunk driving.

1-800-784-2433 OR 1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-273-8255 OR 1-800-273-TALK